Dr. Seuss. Funny Life Quotes (Some Will Surprise You). Go to table of contents. Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. Charles Bukowski Click to tweet. Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. Kurt Vonnegut Thinking about life, I don’t own anyone an explanation how I life my life. It’s like a dream come true. I wake up in poverty every day but am happy and Free. Reply. Maxime says: January 16, 2018 at 4:15 pm. Thanks for your comment, Lawrence. I always a great feeling to live your life the way YOU want to. Being happy is a state of mind, not accumulation of stuff.
♥ “ My theory is that the hardest work anyone does in life is to appear normal. -From the movie ED tv “ Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life. -Terry Pratchett “ Life is hard, after all, it kills you.
- Kathrine Hepburn “ Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. - George Carlin “ Life is an onion and one cries while peeling it. - French Proverb “ Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence in society. - Mark Twain “ If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. -Dalai Lama “ You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. - Homer Simpson “ If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
-Johnny Carson “ We go through life thinking we’re invincible, but the truth is we’re totally vincible. -That Seventies Show “ Go through life like a duck: Majestic on top, kicking like hell underneath. -Anonymous “ Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a**holes.
-William Gibson “ You can’t always control who walks into your life but, you CAN control which window you throw them out of… -Unknown “ It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die.
That is true, it’s called Life. -Terry Pratchett Read “ Nobody dies a virgin life f***s us all. - “ Life’s a garden… dig it. - Joe Dirt “ Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. - Groucho Marx “ An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex. - Unknown “ Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things. - George Carlin “ Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. - Ellen DeGeneres “ My way of joking is to tell the truth.
It’s the funniest joke in the world. - George Bernard Shaw “ That’s what. - She “ The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity. - Arthur Miller “ In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.
You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.
You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila!
You finish off as an orgasm! -Sean Morey “ I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it. -Jack Handey “ Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
-John Wayne “ I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know? - “ Be excellent and party on dudes. - “ We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free. -Bill Hicks “ I drink to make other people more interesting. - “ Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
- Ellen DeGeneres Read “ Remember, if you’re headed in the wrong direction, Life considers U-turns to be legal, in all jurisdictions. -B.T. Henderson “ Life is always walking up to us and saying, ‘Come on in, the living’s fine,’ and what do we do? Back off and take its picture.
-Russell Baker “ Life is a sexually transmitted disease. -R.D Laing “ If someone ever asks you to do something for them, do it really bad so you never have to do it again. - Paris Hilton “ In heaven, all the interesting people are missing. - Friedrich Nietzsche “ To do is to be. -Nietzsche To be is to do.
-Kant Do be do be do. -Sinatra Made with ♥ by Curated Quotes ↓ Related Quotes ↓
best dating quotes funny about life everyday - Funny Dating Quotes and Sayings
Life is full of tests for you, some you will pass and some you will fail. but the end it only who was with you through all that good and bad times. only a true friend and true love can give you that comfort of being supportive through all your journey in life.
if you have the most beautiful and supportive friends and family its the best gift in your world. Funny Quotes About Life Fun is also good for adding happiness and smile in your life. Funny quotes, funny items and funny pictures are one of the best way that will make you happy and your loved once. So here we have sorted out some of the top quality funny quotes about life which will make you happy and you may able to get inspirations from them as well.
Enjoy! Beautiful Funny Quotes About Life A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. The most important thing in life is not knowing everything, it’s having the phone number of somebody who does! Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey Run for your life – there are stupid people everywhere. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
For most men, life is a search for the proper Manila envelope in which to get themselves filed. – Clifton Fadiman Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. – Steven Wright Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
– Woody Allen After one look at this planet, any visitor from outer space would say, “I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER!” – William S. Burroughs When the past comes knocking, don’t answer. It has nothing new to tell you. The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
-Erma Bombeck If you think no one cares you’re alive, miss a couple of house payments. ~Unknown A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
– Author unknown Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. – Mark Twain I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. – Sherrilyn Kenyon in “Dance with the Devil” Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. – George Bernard Shaw When I’m right, no one remembers, when I’m wrong, no one forgets. – Author unknown Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. – P. D. East I told my dad I stopped raising hell and he called me a quitter!
– Author unknown If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. – Steven Wright Born to be wild – live to outgrow it. – Lao Tzu If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. – Author unknown When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. – Mark Twain I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.
– Charles Schulz You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? – Steven Wright Funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. ~ W. Somerset Maugham “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them more.” – Oscar Wilde When life hands you lemons make grape juice and then sit down and watch the world wonders how you make it. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!” The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother in law. We do Yoga for Fun, just kidding we do it for Wine. Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets.
Why should other planets be any different from this one? – Bob Monkhouse They spend money they don’t have to buy things they don’t need to impress people they don’t like. – Joe Moore Any home can be a castle when the King and Queen are in love. Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. – Christopher Isherwood It’s always darkest before the dawn.
So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it. – Author unknown Life is just a phase you’re going through…you’ll get over it. – Author unknown Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
– Woody Allen Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics. – Author unknown An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, “So far so good!” – Author unknown Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little.
– Thomas Aloysius Dorgan Do not like me? Okay I do not wake up every day to impress you. The older you get, the better you get, unless you are a banana. Life is too short to worry about what others say or think about you.
So have fun, enjoy and give them something to talk about. I am looking for a bank which can perform two things for me. Give me a loan and then leave me alone. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. – Steven Wright Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he’s talking about.
– Sam Ewing Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? – Bob Monkhouse Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon. – Woody Allen Life is just one damned thing after another. – Elbert Hubbard Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t. – Author unknown Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.
– William Shakespeare Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter. – Author unknown Smile, tomorrow will be worse. – Author unknown We never really grow up. We just learn how to act in public. – Bryan White There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. – Oscar Wilde When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
– Author unknown The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. – Author unknown Hope you guys have enjoyed our Funny Quotes about Life. these funny quotes on life have at least made your day. But most importantly, it should be an inspiration for celebrating life! Do share it with your friends and family and enjoy your happy times. see also :
No matter how your dates turn out, reading funny dating quotes can always keep your grounded and feel light-hearted. Remember, there’s always a next time if it didn’t work out.
Someone once said that it is impossible to love and be wise at the same time. You don’t always have to be wise to get the best in life. Sometimes being stupid and falling in love can make all the difference in your life. These funny dating quotes are for most everyone – whether you are going to your first date or have been through several relationships.
If you are into online dating or are already in a relationship, you will find some of these sayings to be inspirational quotes and others to be full of fun. Read them, enjoy them, have a laugh, and share with friends. Quotes about Dating Good-looking individuals are treated better than homely ones in virtually every social situation, from dating to trial by jury. Martha Beck I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it. Garry Shandling Dating is where you pretend you’re someone you’re not to impress someone you don’t know.
Melanie White Date Night Quotations What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is there aren’t many job interviews where you’ll wind up naked. Jerry Seinfeld Date Night–It’s cheaper than marriage counseling. Unknown Whenever I want a really nice meal, I start dating again. Susan Healy Date night is not optional for those who want to create a close and connected intimate relationship.
Unknown Odds on meeting a single man: 1 in 23; a cute, single man: 1 in 429; a cute, single, smart man, 1 in 3,245,873; when you look your best, 1 in a billion. Lorna Adler Date Night is insurance for your marriage.
Unknown Date night can be a real oasis in a couple’s life. Unknown First Date Sayings I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie.
Then the plane landed. Dave Attell My father always said, ‘Be the kind they marry, not the kind they date.’ So on our first date I’d nag the guy for a new dishwasher. Kris McGaha Valentine’s Day is being marketed as a Date Movie. I think it’s more of a First-Date Movie. If your date likes it, do not date that person again.
And if you like it, there may not be a second date. Roger Ebert I hate first dates. I made the mistake of telling my date a lie about myself, and she caught me — I didn’t think she’d actually demand to see the bat cave. Alex Reed On the first date men worry about what they’re going to say while women worry about what they’re going to wear. Unknown If you kiss on the first date and it’s not right, then there will be no second date. Sometimes it’s better to hold out and not kiss for a long time.
Jennifer Lopez As for kissing on the first date, you should never date someone whom you would not wish to kiss immediately. Funny Dating Quotes There are three rules for dating: 1) Don’t 2) If you must, just be careful 3) Forget the rules, your hormones will win anyway. Jonathan Lockwood Huie I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? Zsa Zsa Gabor Everyone says that looks don’t matter, age doesn’t matter, money doesn’t matter.
But I never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who’s broke. Rodney Dangerfield My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away. Jenny McCarthy I was dating a guy for a while because he told me he had an incurable disease. I didn’t realize it was stupidity. Gracie Hart Workshops and seminars are basically financial speed dating for clueless people.
Doug Coupland Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with? Rita Rudner I’ve been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog.
Wendy Liebman Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion. Scott Adams An online dating site for really old people called Carbon Dating. Unknown I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
Rodney Dangerfield Tip: Consider some of these funny dating quotes for photo captions on social media. Relationship Quotations Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed. Albert Einstein Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in. Richard Jeni The easiest kind of relationship is with ten thousand people, the hardest is with one. Unknown The most important thing in a is that one of them must be good at taking orders.
Linda Festa My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
Bob Ettinger Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. Chelsea Handler Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
Helen Rowland If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something. Fran Lebowitz The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends. Agatha Christie Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. Unknown Know any funny dating quotes? Let us know via the contact page. Thanks. Girlfriend and Boyfriend Sayings Save a boyfriend for a rainy day, and another, in case it doesn’t rain. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes. Emo Philips My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to. Rita Rudner My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I came back drunk. Unknown Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to the capitalist mode of production.
Herbert Marcuse What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. Cindy Gardner I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
Tracy Smith My girlfriend and I never let each other forget how much we love each other. It’s all about reminding the other person how important and special she is to you. Tyler Hoechlin ————— You’re on funny dating quotes. You might like:
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