Best dating a man who is divorced yet not yet

best dating a man who is divorced yet not yet

In that sense then, a separated man is still married to his spouse, and therefore he is committing adultery. You, on the other hand, would be committing fornication with him instead if you’re unmarried but adultery too if you are married yourself. 234 Views · View Upvoters. Related QuestionsMore Answers Below. Are women less likely to date a man who is separated vs divorced? Is it ok to date a younger man? Is it a bad idea to date a separated man? What should I expect in dating a man who is newly separated and getting a divorce? Is it hard to date a man who just recently gets divorced? Ask New .

best dating a man who is divorced yet not yet

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best dating a man who is divorced yet not yet

best dating a man who is divorced yet not yet - Dating a Recently Divorced Man? Here's What to Expect

best dating a man who is divorced yet not yet

About Relationships Today's role for a Christian woman takes many forms working together - mom, sister, wife, home maker, career women, and more. All of these relationships demand your time and attention. At we want to help you grow in healthy relationships whether you’re single and dating, newlyweds, married or widowed.

Find encouragement and feel uplifted with the sharing of personal experiences from women in every walk of the Christian women’s life. When I was single I dated a man who was divorced. Today as I listen to single women tell their stories about dating divorced men, I remember my experience well.

I see them making choices about dating divorced men similar to ones I made. Choices based on the present but without enough regard on the past. These similarities make me think it is wise for women to ask four questions before dating a divorced man. Every year my church hosted a singles retreat in Destin, Florida on Labor Day weekend. It was the first year I went, and even though it was for singles, I was dating someone at the time, a man previously married.

He went on the trip, too. My boyfriend and I spent time together, but we weren’t inseparable like you might think. At the time this annoyed me, and I wondered if he was as into me as I hoped. One afternoon I had been on the beach since after the morning general session, but I had not heard from my boyfriend all day.

Finally around 3:30, he came to the beach and explained to me that he had gone to lunch with a group of people. Needless to say, this created a heated conversation of why he didn’t invite me to come along with him. It was also a red flag that my suspicions were right – we didn’t share the same level of interest in each other.

When the night was over I went to his hotel room to see if he was there. As I stepped off of the elevator, I saw him straight ahead sitting on a glass-topped table in the hallway.

He was crying. Not just crying a little bit, but sobbing. Then he said, “Here I am a 34-year-old man at a singles’ retreat.” That’s when I knew that dating someone who had been married was more complicated than dating someone who had not. There was extra “stuff” to work through – a whole other person from the past worth of stuff. Before you date a divorced man, ask these four questions: 1. Is he legally divorced? This seems like an obvious first question. However, it’s astounding how many people, Christians and non-Christians, get into relationships with people before they are legally divorced.

I imagine this is evidence of our societal apathy towards the marriage covenant. If it’s our desire to treat marriage as a covenant between two people that represents Jesus’ covenant with the Church, then we must respect marriage. That means that until a legal divorce has taken place, the person is still married, even if their separation from their spouse goes on for months or years. A healthy purpose for a dating relationship is to discern possible marriage. Otherwise the dating relationship is nothing more than selfishness of either one or both people.

A good follow-up question to ask is, “If this person is still married, what is his purpose in dating me?” At this point it can’t be to get married because legally he can’t get remarried. Even if it’s to discern marriage for a future time when he can remarry, can he commit to you the attention needed for discerning marriage?

2. How much time has passed? It takes time to heal from a divorce whether or not the divorce was a person’s choice. There are different opinions about how long it takes. Some say it takes at least a year. Some say it takes several years.

And of course the time depends on the circumstances and what was done after the divorce to heal from it properly. In the story I told above, my boyfriend had been divorced for about three years and yet he was still hurting. Dating too soon after a divorce is sometimes a sign that the man is trying to fill the void left from his marriage.

He might think that finding a significant other quickly will get life back to normal quickly. But like any breakup, a man must go through a grieving and healing process before he is ready to date. 3. What steps has he taken to heal from the divorce?

Not only does an adequate amount of time need to pass before someone starts dating after a divorce, but that time should be purposeful. Participating in professional counseling, mentoring, and support groups, ideally Christian-based, shows a man’s humility, maturity, and leadership.

He understands the seriousness of divorce, and he’s taking steps to heal and grow emotionally and spiritually. However, it’s important that he begins this process before he starts dating again. He needs to seek healing for himself, not just to satisfy the wishes of a new girlfriend. 4. What were the reasons for the divorce? Even though I have never been through a divorce, I imagine it is difficult to identify one clear reason for it. However, the question is still worth asking.

Depending on your interpretation of scripture, your personal experiences with divorce, and your convictions, you may not agree with the reasons. You will also be able to see his body language and tone of voice as he talks about the divorce. The answer to this question could potentially give you valuable insight into how the man views marriage, handles conflict, and his plans for a future relationship or marriage.

Asking someone the reasons for their divorce may seem brash, but I would argue that it is wise to ask it soon after meeting someone new.

Divorce is not a subject to be taken lightly. A potential partner should offer this information willingly. Soon after the incident at the singles’ retreat my boyfriend and I broke up. If I had taken his past seriously and asked some tough questions, we may have not gone out again after the first date. Even though I knew breaking-up was the right decision, it’s always hard to say good-bye to someone you spend time getting to know.

The sooner you can discern whether the relationship should go on, the better. This article is part of our larger resource: . If you’re going through a divorce or are already divorced and looking for more resources, be sure to visit our guide! Related Video: from on . Brenda Rodgers considers herself a “recovering single” after years as a single woman chasing after marriage instead of chasing after Jesus. Now her passion is to mentor young women to live purposefully and grow in their relationship with God and others.

Brenda has been married for five years to a heart transplant hero and is the mom of a toddler girl miracle. She is also the author of the eBook . You can also read more on Brenda’s blog, and follow her on and . About Relationships Today's role for a Christian woman takes many forms working together - mom, sister, wife, home maker, career women, and more.

All of these relationships demand your time and attention. At we want to help you grow in healthy relationships whether you’re single and dating, newlyweds, married or widowed. Find encouragement and feel uplifted with the sharing of personal experiences from women in every walk of the Christian women’s life.

best dating a man who is divorced yet not yet

From time to time I will check out to see what sort of dating-related questions he gets (and the resulting comments). Yesterday’s was from a man who is legally separated (and will be for 3 years) and wonders if he’s screwed from a dating perspective.

Since I am the expert on this topic and the author of , I did comment on the post, but wanted to go into more detail here. “Separated” is a Red Flag Yes, the word “separated” will scare women. Anyone who’s ever gone through a divorce, or knows someone who has, knows just how emotionally and legally messy it can be.

And, “separated” can mean many things: • “Just moved out and haven’t filed any legal papers yet” • “In the process of divorce and fighting over the house and kids” • “We’ve agreed to everything but have to finish out the waiting period” Any woman dating a separated or divorcing man is taking a risk. Sure, some of these guys’ divorces aren’t that complicated and they’re emotionally ready to move on, but most aren’t.

The trick is to know this and handle the situation properly. Don’t Be Dishonest Guys hate anything that will scare women away because they know it reduces their odds, and no guy likes reduced odds.

This often leads to stupid behaviors like deception and lying – for example, not telling a woman your marital status until you’ve gone out too many times or, worse, telling a woman you’re divorced (especially online!) and then admitting the truth later.

You have to be honest or you’ll look like a dick – you just have to know how to spin it. For example: • Tell her the divorce is moving along and you’ve got everything under control. Even if it’s a mess, your handling it will make her feel at ease. • Spare her the details.

She’s your date, not your shrink. Deal with your divorce on your own time and focus on her when you’re together. • Emphasize the good points. If the divorce is in the final stages, share that, ONLY if it’s true. Share if you and your ex agree on many things, if you have no kids to fight over, or if your family supports the divorce.

She will get past the “separated” label IF you show her you have things under control and aren’t going to make her life miserable. You Can’t Just Think About “Me” The problem with separated men is that they want to date because they’re tired of being alone and unhappy and want some hope after the pain of divorce.

This is natural. But as I discuss in , many may not consider what they have to offer a woman. They don’t realize that women don’t want a guy who can’t give her what she needs, who drags her into his divorce by complaining about it, who subjects her to the anger and jealousy of his ex. If you’re separated and want to date, you need to consider things from her perspective.

Be honest (with her and with yourself) about where you are and what you can offer, shield her from your ex and the details of your divorce, and, even though you’re needy right now, focus on her and what she needs. Guys who can do this have more successful relationships during divorce and avoid bringing more drama into their lives. Resources I agree with this.

Had a really good friend that I met after I separated from my ex (my ex and I were rushed into the marriage by church and whatnot, it wasn’t something either of us wanted or considered it a real marriage). This friend and I, after several months, actually almost stopped talking because of my ex, we no longer talk about her and have since realized that we like each other. We are talking and considering the dating process, but I’ve had to wait six months before I can file for divorce, since I had to move back to my home state, this means the filing process hasn’t yet been started, but my ex and I have not spoken and she has since moved on with her life, last I heard.

So, I’ve moved on with mine. This friend of mine, I have very deep feelings for, and I am careful to not bring the divorce into her life, but I am honest with her. • Hi, I’m currently dating a guy who is going through a divorce. I am a very supportive and giving person, and don’t mind being patient while he is going through that process.

We have agreed to take it slow but continue to see one another. What I find is that all of my needs are not being met, but I am not sure of how to articulate that in a manner that does not sound demanding. I see this person as having great qualities, which is why I am still involved in this situation.

I know this post hasn’t gone into much detail, but I would appreciate any advice/guidance you may provide. Yours truly, Alison. • Hi Alison, I’m in the same boat…kind of.

I’ve been dating a guy for 3 years, he’s been separated for 2 years and about 6 months ago said they were starting the divorce process. 6 months ago?? After he was separated for a year, we moved in together, he has 2 daughters, now 14 and 16, whom I get along with very well but I assumed (never do that) that he was going to start the divorce process as surely, he wasn’t planning on staying separated forever…or was he?

The first time I brought up the question of whether he was planning on getting a divorce, he freaked out on me 🙁 saying that things are fine as they are right not, the guy always gets screwed in a divorce and just a bunch of not so nice things. I gave up on it for a bit (instead I should just have left!) I told him how it made me feel, he didn’t seem to care and thought I was just causing problems. I left after a year of living together. He wanted to work it out and said he was getting the divorce, but yet still called it an ultimatum that I was giving him :S.

I asked again a few months later if it was started, he said no and I said again, I’m outta here. Finally he asked her for the divorce 6 months ago and she agreed. The next month, SHE went to a lawyer and got it started…….SHE did, HE did eff all. Back in Dec. he said he was picking up the papers then got a call that the lawyer had to get the marriage certificate yet….I recently asked him what was happening with it and he just said he was waiting. I told him I didn’t understand how 2 months ago it was ready and then it was just a matter of getting a marriage certificate and still waiting??

He got mad at me and claims that I’m pushing him, it will happen…blah, blah, blah. Do you think I’m being played 🙁 • Honestly, I am in the same situation.

He (supposedly) asked her for a divorce, and she filed but he did not?? Seems odd but I’ve seen this happen before. I believe my BF is truly going through divorce and I have seen the noteritzed documents to support, however, he just separated and it is all too soon….and he made it appear as if they were separated longer. Which is bizarre and pissed me off. I trust that the relationship is in fact over however the separation is too new, I feel I deserve to be the priority and strongly believe how a relationship starts is how it will end AND, it just should not be this hard.

I also do not want this situation to hold me back from having a healthy relationship with the right person. I you are okay with waiting, being patient and supporting the emotional roller coster that someone goes through when going through a separation/divorce, then you can handle it. It is difficult for me and I simply cannot. I will not but myself through this again.

• Really interesting post. I have recently met a wonderful man that I found to be a perfect match for me. We have been dating for a few months, had some very wonderful dates and enjoyed our time together. During our dates we have discussed our marriages, divorces and the lessons we each learned during those. I found him to be honest and forthcoming about his responsiblity and the changes he knew he had to make.

When we first met he said that he had been divorced for 18 months. I started to freak out because things seemed too right and I have made some pretty poor choices when it came to men. So I started looking online and seeing what I could find out about this man I had met thru the internet.

Now, at this point we have spent a great deal of time together and I have already done a criminal back ground check so I know he is not a crazy stalker.

But I find out he and his wife have only filed for divorce 4 months before we met, so he has not been divorced for 18 months. I have a feeling he was doing just as was said, trying to not scare me off on the first date and now how does he explain that months later. I don’t know how to confront him about it. • HI, I have been in a serious relationship with a married man for 8 months now. He has decided to move out and get separated, he is in the process now of moving.

He is very trust worthy because everything that he has told me has ended up being true or has happened. His a bit older then me and my parents have a serious problem with it and they don’t know that he is separated. If they do find out I dont know what they will do. So i guess the question im asking is if its worth it? I love him with all my heart and want a serious long term relationship with him and he also says he can see a future with me. HELP!

• Hard to say if it’s worth it at this point….8 months is not very long. Is he already separated then? Good sign is that he has done everything he says he has 🙂 Be honest with him about how you feel, but don’t wait too long as you need to be happy too. If he is planning a serious relationship with you, he needs to be divorced. Are there kids involved?

• No kids involved. At this point ive let him know that i want a break (Not a breakup) until he moves out in mid march. he volunteered and said he wanted to move out and work on “us” and make me a priority.

He says thats his plan and he wants a future with me. His already found a place and has told his wife his moving out. So i guess i need to wait and see if he actually does move out.

if he doesn’t then be done with him but if he does, talk to him about our further together. • Very smart 🙂 and hopefully the waiting period doesn’t drag. My mistake after he told me the process was starting was thinking it had started, when it hadn’t. He just brought it up to his ex that they should divorce and then didn’t do anything.

Like magically it was going to happen on it’s own! Ugh! He did just tell me that she was following up and that he’d ask her every week if he had to. I just wanted him to take charge you know? Not leave it to his ex to start it since HE asked her for the divorce for goodness sake! I think it’s a man thing. Anyway, he knows that this whole waiting is prolonging our future and will not hesitate to move on without him.

We’ll see what happens. I won’t bug him about it everyday but I will surely not give up because it needs to be dealt with. Her side of the paperwork is done apparently, so why the heck is it taking 4 months to get to him????

• I’ve been dating a separated man for about three months. He and his wife have been separated since September. We actually went to high school together and caught up online around the end of November 2013 which is when he was given the divorce papers.

He waited over a month to respond to her demands which I sort of influenced him to do. He seemed to be struggling with what was happening. My advice was to take some action because it would start to help him put some finality to the divorce which once he hired an attorney and responded, everything with him seemed to progress. I don’t think either of us thought we’d have the connection we do. When we first started talking, I’d get numerous texts from him every day, and we’d have lengthy conversations almost every day.

As time went on, they’d become less and less, but when we’d talk on the phone or spend time together, we were always in a good place. I’ve never been divorced and I don’t have children, so I don’t know how to navigate this situation.

And because he is such a great guy I’ve really had to remind myself of what he’s going through when my patience starts to wear thin. I, like most of the comments on this page have not wanted to make demands on him because of what’s happening, so I tread lightly with my feelings, and I always make sure to stay clear of advice with his children and his ex.

I only know what I know of her because of what he tells me. But I know there are two sides to every story. The last month or so, our communication has changed. When he has his kids I don’t usually plan on hearing from him. His kids should ALWAYS be his number one priority, and I never want to interfere with their time. This last week he’s hardly called me, but I’ve seen him. When we went out he told me that he had felt like something had been missing because we hadn’t talked.

We’ve always been able to be honest and forthcoming with each other which is something I’ve appreciated about our situation, so I feel like he would tell me if he were in a different place, but I’ve also put that expectation on others only to be disappointed. I just don’t know how to approach the not calling or texting situation without it seeming like a demand. I just don’t understand what has changed.

I do really care for this amazing man. Do I stick this out or do I figure out a way to let it go? • I would say stick with it. You both obviously have a connection for each other that most people do not. I would say you need to sit him down and talk to him. Tell him what exactly you want to happen and how you feel about him.

just be super careful because his most likely going to put his kids before you. Bottom line: you just need to ask him about the calling/texting. If he truly cares about you he will make a small time out of his day to talk to you.

If he blames it on his kids there really is not much you can do because you dont know if is telling the truth or a lie. If you are able to deal with this for 6 more months then I think everything will start to change once they get divorced. Has he said he wants a divorce right after the year is up? • The state I live doesn’t require a waiting period longer than 90 days which has passed. Right now, it’s the waiting for them to agree on each other’s demands of the divorce.

She is fighting what he wants for custody, so this could go on for some time. He’s never given me any reason to doubt what he says. Honestly, I think I spend too much time in my head because of past relationships which is not fair to put on him. Obviously, there’s some work there that needs to be done. I appreciate your input. This hasn’t been the easiest thing I’ve ever done, but there’s a lot of reasons he’s worth it.

Hopefully in six months there won’t be so much up and down. Actually, I’d hope if there is I’d be smart enough to remove myself from the situation. Thanks again. • Jessica, Clearly it’s been a few years since your post here. Could you possibly give an update to this about how everything went with waiting, and with him being involved in his kids lives (and balancing time with you?).

I know every situation is different, but do you have any tips for giving yourself priority, but at the same time trying to be considerate? Thank you • I would love an update on Jessica’s situation as well. I have just fell into the same situation, that I never thought I would he is (separated(1yr)-moved out on his own(5 months)after being married for 27 years, adult kids.

I am single never married, we connected by chance and have started spending time together. I am struggling to continue or walkway. Separated is not legal, and divorce has not began. We are not dating we are just spending time together and texting once a week. • So I was seeing this man he has been separated for 5 mths and I have been for 3 mths and I completely wasn’t ready for any of it and probably scared him away.

But I can’t stop thinking about him and the way we left things I made him completely think I was only into him for one thing….. And when we finally did it I froze and then freaked out, so he told me he wasn’t feeling it right now.. What does that mean??? So I texted him to ask if whatever we had was over he said I guess so!!! What does that mean.

I want to talk to him and tell him how I really feel but I don’t know if I should or just let it go? • Hi i am in need of some help. Heres my situation. I have been seeing a married man for 8 months now.

We are madly in love and he has already signed a lease to move into his own place and has already set a date to move out. things were great with us until recently my parents found out i was seeing a married man. they are very angry with me and have been contemplating taking away certain things like money. I still count on them for financial support. The married man has not told his wife that he is seeing someone else but when my parents contacted him and told him that they were going to tell her he said he was going to tell her this weekend.

I have not been in contact with my boyfriend since all of this has went down because my parents are making it impossible to. I truly love this man and he loves me. He has been upfront and honest with me since the beginning.

I see a real future with him and he severely hurts me not to be in contact with him or see him. it seems like im having to choose between my parents and him and i dont think it should be that way or that difficult. I know my parents probably will still have an issue when he is legally separated but when his finally divorced they may still have a problem as well.

I dont think i could bare being away from him so I dont know what to do. • I have been seeing a man for about a month and a half. He’s been separated from his wife for two years, and the divorce will be final in april. We honestly have clicked and I feel like all my needs are getting met, but I’m still worried about this separation thing. I dated a man when I was in my early twenties, who was recently divorced and I found out I was his emotional bridge.

We are taking this really slow, but I can’t help wondering if this will end okay? He was honest from the beginning that he was separated, and he’s dated several women before me.

He was honest that they had been a rebound. Should I trust him? Or am I being played? HELP! • I’ve been married for 3 years and we recently separated about 2 month ago. We were together for 7 years but ran into a rough patch. I personally have realized that i wasn’t a great husband, and she knows she wasn’t a perfect wife.

My problem is after i begged, cried and she still didn’t react i gave up. She told me to date people to learn how to chase after a woman. I have a problem with this because we still are having sex (which i know is bad, but i didn’t want a divorce she does, and i can see her struggling or her desire for us to act like a couple ex: cuddling after sex; every time we see each she wants a hug.

I don’t know if she is confused and just having trouble leaving or is just using me until she decides to move on. Recently we began telling each other the truth about things no matter how hurtful it is and a guy she was friends with at starbucks (who is divorced has been someone she talks to because he had/ has some of the same problems she is having. She claims he is just a friend and that she doesn’t see him that way.) Tonight i discovered due to our phones calenders still being synced that she is to have dinner with him.

I’m assuming that this just means I am a idiot who is still hoping our marriage works while she is possibly seeing if someone peaks her interest. I don’t know what I should do. • I feel like from what you are saying your wife or ex (which ever fits best) wants to have her cake and eat it to. If you feel that having some time apart and dating other people is beneficial to you as a person go for it! However, if she is encouraging this because she wants you to learn how to treat HER better that is selfish on her part.

Some of the separation time should be used to establish what you want a need as a man (maybe father?) and partner. I think if a clean break for a bit is possible (obviously if there are kids involved this probably isn’t) you should try that for a few month. That will give both of you a chance to really evaluate yourselves and your relationship. I don’t think your wife is a bad person, probably just as confused and scared as anyone would be after any type of break up.

My boyfriend and his ex have been separated for two year and the divorce proceedings have been going on for a year+ and has been very messy (just when I get my hopes up that things are going to be put to bed something else happens and everything gets re opened). It kills me to think that he has to go through this alone….but I needed to set boundaries for my own well being.

You can be supportive of someone without taking on their emotion baggage and carrying it for them. • I’ve been seeing a married man for 6 months now. He has been physically separated from her for over a year – they were married for 14 years and out of those 14 years, 12 of them were not living in a ‘married’ fashion due to her medical issues She has since gotten better the past few years and he now feels comfortable divorcing her.

He said he has felt obligated to help her. He’s one of those men that will give you the shirt off his back, and sees only the good in everyone. Some of the things he has told me about her is describing a money-hungry woman. He has paid for both of her daughter’s (from a previous marriage) college educations, including master’s degrees, he paid for all of their braces (wife included), medical bills, etc.

When he told her he wanted a divorce, she said “who is going to pay my bills’? Not “I don’t want to lose you’. She’s now wanting spousal support and trying to get claimed as being disabled. He has hired a very good attorney and because of her retirement status (she’s making about 3k a month) the attorney says she is ineligible to obtain spousal support. We are completely in love with each other – we started off as friends completely, and it developed into something much deeper.

I’ve never had anyone feel this strongly about me and he says he has never felt like this about anyone. Me neither… He said he just ‘settled’ in the past, as did I. Patience is key, especially if it’s with the right one. We are waiting until the divorce is final to go public with our relationship and to go out on a date..He’s definitely a keeper!

My question is how long should we wait to ‘come out’ after his divorce is final…we live in a pretty small town. Their marriage was over a long time ago, but I don’t want to step on any toes. He told his mom about me and I guess I’m just getting impatient to live a normal life.

• Sorry, as i am laughing reading this. Do you realize how rediculous this sounds? He feels obligated? That’s because after 14 years of marriage he IS obligated.

How about he even paid for her braces? It’s usually how married couples handle medical bills…yes, even braces. I’m divorcing my husband of over 20 years so now he will be finally telling the truth about being single. Calling her money hungry? I’m sure my soon to be ex will be telling his girlfriends the same thing about me, but it’s pretty black and white. There is a formula for spousal support. There are reasons why some men pay more than others…maybe they deserve to.

I’m not saying all of them, but with mine…yes, even Dr’s can be con artist. I honestly feel sorry for whoever falls for his lies, but it’s not going to be my problem anymore. You honestly have no idea what an ex-wife is all about and it’s unfair to even speculate.

A mans children are his biggest testimony as our children have begged me to divorce their dad, yes..his biological children. Will I attempt to get as much support for them as I can? You bet I will, because they never signed up for this. I personally will make more money than him, so it’s not about the money. Why do woman even get involved with this sort of headache?

When I start dating, I will be 100% divorced. Life is complicated enough. • I met my “separated” boyfriend 4 months after he left his wife. It has been 4 years of emotional HELL! I am a widow, and ready to move on with my life, but he is still dealing with his wife a two adult children.

In the 4 years we have been together, I have broke up with him numerous times, and after promises that things will change, I give our relationship another chance.

I was a secret from his family for the first year. He told them about me after our 1st breakup. I know that I am the weak link that keeps going back to the situation! Our last breakup, he decided to put a ring on my finger, even though his wife is still pissing around with the divorce. They haven’t even talked about the divorce for 6 months after it stalled AGAIN! He had filed for the divorce through the internet, and she talked him into withdrawing the divorce so SHE could do it correctly.

That was 2 years ago! I am emotionally exhausted, and just keep my frustrations to myself now to keep from ugly fights with him. PLEASE…do NOT get involved with a “separated” man until the divorce is FINAL!!! It is HORRIBLE! • I agree……DO NOT get involved with a person who is not legally divorced. Save yourself from the heartache and pain. Having said that, also make sure that they are completely over their ex…….my boyfriend wasn’t at first unfortunately 🙁 Hence the no interest in seeking a divorce until I finally gave him, what he calls an ultimatum, which if that’s what he wants to call it fine, but it was ME telling him that I do not want to be involved with a person who has no intentions of getting a divorce.

I have always been a strong and independent person and I can’t believe how much shit (excuse my language) I put up with 🙁 I feel I failed myself 🙁 I haven’t asked about the divorce for a few weeks.

Last update was their lawyers settling the pension portion. Can’t believe it takes this long. He gets angry when I start asking too many questions, but what I have told myself, I am concentrating on my own life right now with no intention of moving in with him (he thinks this is going to happen once divorced) until he’s been divorced for a while.

He told me he wants to marry me, so great, but he can propose, then we can get married and THEN live together. Sucks that I spent over 2 1/2 years ‘waiting’ but there’s no one to blame but myself. So people, DO NOT GET INVOLVED UNTIL THE PERSON IS DIVORCED!! • I’m actually on the other side of this. My ex and I have been separated for a a few months now, however I met a girl and I really like her. I’ve been up front and honest with her about everything that she’s asked, even going so far as to offer to have her confirm everything with the ex.

She says she wants to take it slow and I agree with her, I don’t want to lose her I really like her quite a bit and we’re both on the same level with pretty much everything. I text her in the morning just to check in, and we usually talk for about 10 minutes a day at some point to see how things are going that day. I work nights so she’ll check in on me via text to just wish me a good day. We’ve done something once a week, and I’ve gone to her place to eat dinner on my lunch break one time so far, and that was pretty great.

Overall I don’t think there are any problems, but I’m of course concerned that I may have missed things that I shouldn’t, i.e.

I’m more just looking for a sanity check. She’s concerned that she’s the rebound girl, and I don’t really understand how someone can treat anyone like a rebound in general. I have a real problem with people treating women like objects as well, and things of that nature, so perhaps I’m just odd.

Anyhow, any tips would be appreciated. I know to ask her questions and let her talk about what she wants to talk about and overall that’s always worked great for me with women, but I’ve never been in the situation of meeting someone while going through a divorce (an amicable one, no arguing about anything) and want to make sure that I do not alienate this girl in the process. I think about her constantly and have a smile on my face while doing it, and that’s never been something that I’ve experienced with any other woman, so I don’t want to mess it up.

• Here’s my situation. Met a great guy, separated three months. He’s states, and his friends/family verify that the marriage has been over a long time, he filed for divorce and has a lawyer. Things were going amazing the fist while, but in the past week things not so good.

He got a letter from the IRS about money they owe for several years ago, she served him with other papers, he’s worried about finances. Our time now is very limited, don’t talk as much because he’s working more.

He’ll never go back to her, I know that. But am I just too emotional, and reading too much into this! Should I stick it out? • I’ve been dating a separated man for 6 months now. before I met him he was separated for 2 years. His ex and him do not talk at all expect for texting when to pick and drop kids. Am a single mother of one daughter (4 yrs). We have a great connection, get along very well, talk for hours and see each other atleast once in two weeks (we live in different towns – an hour & half drive).

He has been very open to me about his past, current situation, the process etc. My only concern is that the ex has not file the divorce yet she asked him to leave, he has asked her a couple of time with no response. He now says his option is to wait 5yrs (of separation – which he has done 2 already) for automatic divorce. I love him but I don’t know if I can date for 3 years….it sounds a long time.

it concerns me. • Sorry for the late response, I have had busy weeks. Well, we have spoken about it and he says he never thought of filing because she called it off and he didn’t want her to use it against him to his children. He also says his friend (who has gone through similar situation) advised him its easy to wait for 5 year as the process does not require any consent from both parties. One think I can say am sure is that he will never get back with his ex and he truly loves me and want a long-term future with me.

I love him too and he has always treated me with respect and kept me updated/involved on his separation progress. I guess am the one who does not have the energy to date for that long especially am a mother of a 5 yrs old girl. • Bothle, I’m in the same situation, he’s been separated for 3 years now, we see each other few times a week, I met his teenage daughter (him and his ex have joint custody), as well as his entire close family.

He did not file for divorce yet saying that because he needs to settle some materialistic items they had acquired while being together. When I asked few times when he’ll file, I always get the same response: soon baby ….lol Well, again, if it’s the 5 years waiting period, and I have to wait another 2years dating married man, I don’t know if I can hold on to him, he claims he loves me, shows me all the time, I know he can’t stand his ex, and I love him too.

Maybe it’s worth waiting considering my bad prior relationships:) • Angela & , As everyone has stated in this blog…it is very difficult to date a “separated/married” man. Every state is different in their laws of how long you need to wait before both parties need consent. I encourage you to find out your laws on your own. My state is 2 years. The bottom line is, if a divorce is important to someone, they get it done.

I have been listening to excuses for 4 1/2 years, and I chose to stay on the roller coaster ride. I walked away a few months ago, and finally have reached the emotional place that I don’t want to hear all the excuses any longer. Everyone has choices in life, and we all chose to date a married man. I wish I could go back, and walk away from the beginning, but I had no idea what I was getting myself into. 🙁 • I’m dating a separated man…he moved out 2months be4 we met.They were married for 10yrs have 2 boys .He says he abused prescription painkiller drugs and she d gone cheated and claimed to fall inlove with the other guy.He said he was willing to forgive her and work on his recovery(which he is) but he wife has refused to reconcile not supporting his recovery and after multiple tries, it’s when he moved out for good.By the way when we 1st met he told me right he is going through divorce.

We have gone out a lot, we have the same faith, I have visited where he lives now, whenever he is spending time with his boys he’s always sharing photos or their stories with me.He says he is very glad he met me.We went on a trip to see his best friend for days we had good time.She (his friend)confirms that a woman wants nothing to do with him….I told her I’m happy with him but I hate the situation …I’m not excited to be with a married man and I worry sometimes.

These are feelings I have expressed to him and I said I may act different because I’m uncomfortable with the situation.But he said he feels good with me and that there are no coincidences as such.

My issue and my question I guess is….he keep saying it’s the wife that asked for divorce and the only reason she hadn’t filed for divorce is not having money (the wife says). He never really said I’m filling for divorce.

What should I do? I really like him but I’m trying to limit my time with him just soo I don’t get caught up while he hasn’t called it quit. Ps we visit my friend and her husband they love him. Sincerely Z • This is a letter to be read by anyone who takes on a married but separated man. The separation from a spouse is probably the second worse pain anyone can experience.

It is considered worse than a death due to the complicated emotions of guilt, and failure. I can often leave a man or woman feeling suicidal, the pain is so great. In better cases, the person is surrounded by loving family members and close friends to help them through.

And then there are those who have no one. It is you who steps in to become their friend. It is you giving them perhaps advice that may not be what is best. It is you who is now meddling under the guise of being a friend to someone who may not really be ready to say good-bye to their marriage and may need time to think it through. A healthy separation is the prior where friends, and family help to heal. The latter is a situation where the broken are being taken advantage of and slowly brought into a relationship out of desperateness.

And when it becomes what you have been looking for, now intimate affair that has resulted, the wife who is yearning for the return of her husband must now bear the first and most painful experience of all: infidelity.

I am begging of you all to allow for our husbands to return to us. I am begging you all to stay far from the man until you know for sure his marriage cannot be saved. It would save the world alot of pain.. Thanks- Cynthia Patouhas • Cyndi, Well said! I believe this also applies if the marriage is truly over. I stepped into a “separated” man’s life not realizing the guilt that he would never deal with.

He cannot commit to another relationship until he completely ends the prior relationship, and that is painful for them. Being the new relationship women, was also extremely painful. Always being last in line, waiting for 4 1/2 years for him to deal with his guilt, and follow through on all his promises he made to me. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, since I am a widow.

I have learned a valuable lesson, and finally walked away from the horrible mess, and am healing. (it’s been 4 months) He has tried to make promises again, but I know that he is emotionally unable to do follow through. STAY AWAY FROM A SEPARATED MAN!

• Hi all, I am currently in love with a separated man. We both feel strongly for each other. She left him after 27 years and it hurt him pretty bad…. I have read your posts and than you for your sharing your thoughts and experiences.

This is the first time in my life I have truly been in love. We met about 4 months after his separation took place. We have this bond with each other that is beautiful and undeniable. About one month after we started dating, things started to happen in his world, job change, stress etc…. and to protect me, he pushed me away. He took a job over the summer in another state. I grieved this loss.

This is how knew what we had was real. I knew he felt the same way. He knew he was protecting me, but that didn’t make things any easier. Months went by. I heard from him. We started communicating again.

Now that he is back local again, we have started seeing each other again, knowing that we need to keep things on a lighter side until Feb when his divorce is final. This being said, it still doesn’t make things easier. Mary, states it best, its still emotional hell. At best I see him maybe 2 times a week. We even talked about taking another break apart but we both are more miserable apart. We know this transition between now and February is going to be rough. I feel like I will never be a priority between his kids and his job.

He has alot of healing to do himself from all of this. But the heart wants what the heart wants and the Universe knows no timing…….I feel like if I give up too soon Ill regret it. But at the same time, I feel like i deserve so much more….maybe I am too selfish for this? I try to keep positive and strong. But its hard when time after time plans are broken promises are broken. I know he is doing the best he can do right now to keep himself together, keep 2 households afloat, etc…..thank you for hearing me …..any advice would be truly welcome…Love and Light <3 • Suzanne, {{{hug}}} I can sympathize with you from the emotional pain I have been through for the past 4 1/2 years.

Every situation is different, and if his divorce is final in February, then your situation is one step further than many others that have dated a separated man. However, he still has so much emotional and financial baggage to deal with in the future. Make certain you are prepared to deal with the soon to be ex wife and kids pulling him in one direction, and you waiting for him to figure things out in the other direction.

Even though I finally walked away, my heart still loves the man that didn’t belong to me. He continues to try and contact me with his empty promises, but I don’t believe him any longer. It still hurts like hell…but someday soon I will be able to date again, or be content alone.

I bought a puppy as a new companion in my life, and I push myself to go out with girlfriends or my daughters and have fun. Fake it till you make it!!! Do you know for certain that he truly filed for the divorce? Why can’t you see each other more than 2 times a week? If you decide to wait for him, please go out with friends and have fun while you wait. Don’t lock yourself up waiting and hoping for something that may not happen.

Enjoy your life everyday to the best of your ability, and if this separated man is who is in your future…it will happen without you “waiting” till he figures out what he wants. Everyday is a gift…live in the present and enjoy the gift without waiting for tomorrow. 🙂 • I’m still waiting for the divorce to be final. It’s been 4 years together, last Sept.

divorce process starting….it’s over 1 year now. First excuse, waiting for original marriage certificate, 2nd excuse, waiting for pension to be calculated, which I know for a fact now it was ready to be calculated back in July, 3rd excuse, waiting for the ex’s lawyer to respond to his lawyer. I don’t want to be a bitch and try to rush this, I know it will cost him, well them both, but without this divorce, I am not moving in with him and he knows it.

Guess I’m not important enough huh? Doesn’t it sound like that? 🙁 He’s always worried about finances, he has 2 teenage girls that require LOTS and he can’t say no to, plus he’s always paying for stuff that the ex doesn’t and probably because she can’t afford it as she’s being realistic, they know that Dad will always give them whatever they need.

Once (if ever) the divorce is done, that will be a few thousand dollars that he won’t have to spoil the girls with and that’s what’s probably holding him back. I don’t know, I’m very confused and know that I need to move on because he’s always going to have these issues but I am kind of embarrassed to have my family and friends see that we just wasted each others’ time and they probably all knew we wouldn’t make it.

🙁 • I met someone recently to hang out with every once in a while just as friends, but during our first meeting we got along quite well – we held hands during a movie and there was mutual interest from what I could tell. I have been separated from my ex for 5 months, and if all goes well the divorce will be finalized by the end of the year. No kids involved, and no conflicts as far as asset division is concerned. I have told the woman I met this and she seems OK with my reasons to take things extremely slow and just be friends for awhile – as I had told her about my divorce (ex had an affair with a coworker for several months and is still with this person the last I heard.) Needless to say I am conflicted about meeting someone I would be interested in dating even though the paperwork hasn’t been finished, but I find that being able to be honest with her about this and answering questions when they come up (without hiding anything but also without making it a constant topic of discussion either) has been the most helpful.

For all I know things won’t work out because she might be concerned about me be willing to commit to something long-term so soon after the divorce (a legitimate reason) so I guess I should be ready for that. Nevertheless, she is nice and I enjoyed meeting her, and I have no desire to hurt her feelings whatsoever. Not to mention that before I found out about the affair that I wouldn’t have even considered being in such a situation 🙁 • Hi I’ve been dating a guy for just over three months.

It was an instant connection. We fell for each other quite fast. He told me he loved me only after a month of dating. He’s been separated for seven months. He told me that the marriage ended because they fell apart. I found a letter just over a week ago that he wrote to his ex only a month ago claiming he was sorry for cheating on her! And he was sorry the he didn’t fight for the marriage, that he loved her and wanted to give it another chance!

My heart was broken. He’s telling me he wrote it out of guilt for the cheating…which he failed to tell me about. I love him but have red flags telling me to get out. I need advice please! • Poppy, You need to read all the comments on this blog! If you haven’t read Christie’s book “Dating The Divorced Man: Sort Through the Baggage to Decide If He’s Right for You”, please read it!!! You don’t need advice, you already know what the answer is. 🙁 Keep your eyes open, listen to your head, and not your heart.

Red flags!!!! WALK away, and be strong! Tell him that once he is divorced, to give you a call. Do not put yourself through the hell I have been through for over 4 years!!! It is difficult to walk away, but you will heal, and be much happier with time. 🙂 • Poppy — Just walk away now … ….I just recently had to walk away for round number 2 ( in the past 2 weeks ) after reading the advice and going with my intuition, it was the right thing to do..and the hardest… Its going to sting, its going to hurt.

But like my story, no future can be made until the healing takes place and final divorce has been made….and even once a divorce is final, doesn’t mean that they are going to be ready and healed. those are red flags for a reason…Heed the warnings….they mean STOP…take note of the situation…it sucks right now, but i PROMISE you it gets better…the best relationship you can focus on right now is the one with yourself — remember that….listen to your intuition, intuition never lies..

and think about it….he cheated on her…..he failed to tell you this…..ponder on that…zebra stripes do not change……..Love and Light, Suzanne • I have been dating a separated man for 8 months now, and he’s only officially been separated from his wife for 1 month.

We dated while they were in marriage counselling, etc and they have two children together. He has always, from day one, been open and honest with me in terms of what is going on. Of course we did not intend to start dating before his separation, but it kind of just happened and we fell for one another. His wife and him have had issues in their marriage for a little over a year prior to us getting together.

She’s not very accepting of the separation, and I feel for her. Him and I have tried to end our relationship several times, feeling so guilty for the pain we could cause. But our undeniable love for one another always brings us back together. I have never once asked him to end his marriage, that is his choice. All I’ve asked is that if there is no hope for us, that he let me go and we move on.

Fast-forward and now they are officially separated and working out their terms and conditions for assets and how they will divide the time for their children. I am extremely understanding of the situation at hand, and very trusting of him and everything he tells me. My jealousy is very minimal, but it does exist.

This is not an easy relationship by any means, but at the end of the day, our love for another conquers all the obstacles we face, and have yet to face.

Dating a separated, but not divorced man is very trying. You have to first know 100% what you are getting into, and even then there will be many curves and bumps in the road. There must be love, trust, and communication, like any relationship. And for those whose men have children with their exes, understand that they are always going to be a part of each other’s lives as parents to their children.

Patience and understanding go a long way. -Laura • I’d like some advice or opinion on the following situation I’ve been going through. My bf of 4 years has 2 kids (14 and 16 years of age… 4 months they will be 15 and 17) who he has a set schedule with and this works out great.

Is it fair on our relationship if anytime there is an event that their mother cannot afford or whatever the reason is, to take them on her scheduled time with them, that it should always fall on him? He says he doesn’t want them to miss out and I get that but isn’t he inadvertently helping is ex out which makes it financially easier on her if he does this all the time?

He also makes me feel like ‘if I don’t like it too bad’… I’m being shunned. Meanwhile, their mother is more realistic that she can’t afford stuff and gets much more respect from the kids than he does. They know ‘daddy’ will always pay, buy, etc. I’m not trying to tell him what to do but I just don’t think it’s fair as he can’t really afford it himself, but feels too guilty if he can’t. Help? • My marriage has been on slow motion self destruct for a period stretching decades.

It is finally over and we are kind to each other but both basically happy to be free. We have 2 kids and are cooperating well in raising them and caring for her terminally ill mother. While I am ABSOLUTELY in no hurry to get another relationship started, are there any options for a guy who just wants to have fun.

I am not a monk, although the lack of sex in my marriage might suggest otherwise. And this is the crux of the problem – my energy is so pent up that my self esteem is crap. Are there no women out there happy to just fool around with no expectations?

Is everything just this single track to ill considered relationships that deplete and trap both parties? I am a handsome, healthy, creative and wealthy guy who thinks deeply about things.

Can’t this be enough for the time being? • Sam: yes, that can be enough for the time being. You know what you want and what you’re ready for right now, and that’s a very good thing.

The trick is to make that clear to women and not send relationship signals. Online dating might be a way to meet women who are just looking for “fun.” My books for men might be helpful as well, as I address this issue… • Thanks Christie.

Your answer is very affirming. I am adverse to the whole online thing – the last date I set up was in 1988 before the Internet even existed! It is hard to get my mind around how to check out chemistry with a person remotely. Oh well, I’ve gotten this far in life so I should be able to figure it out 🙂 Thanks again • I’m currently a separated man who has been legally separated now for 4 months.

I was married for 15 years to this woman and we have two teenage daughters together. However, my soon to be ex-wife started an affair with another married man who has kids of his own earlier this year and is still seeing him. I did not find out about the affair until August. At the beginning of March this year she started acting strange in our relationship and asked for a divorce citing that “we had just grown apart”.

She refused all attempts at counseling etc. However, as I was not seeking to end our marriage I believed I should not be the one to have to move out.

She also is a musician and therefore her income was pretty limited so she kept saying she could not move out either and needed time to figure things out. In the meantime she kept asking me to prepare a separation agreement which would be ready to sign “when she did eventually move out”, which I did, with multiple versions given to her, again prepared by me even though she was the one who wanted out, but she couldn’t take a second to prepare one herself.

Anyway, she never did sign an agreement as there always seemed to be something not quite to her satisfaction. As the months went by I became more and more suspicious of the reasons for her wanting to end our marriage and believed that she was getting greedy in the agreement and also hiding something from me.

After doing some PI work of my own I caught her in her affair. At that point I retained an attorney and I was able to have her legally removed from the marital home based on a divorce from bed and board procedure which is available in my State and for which you can have the other spouse who committed adultery removed from the marital home as it is considered an indignity against the other to not move out in such a case.

Once I started this procedure she quickly got her sh*t together and found a job and moved out before the sheriff had to have her physically removed based on the court order. I also have taken her to court as part of this procedure and had a judgement in my favor that I will not have to pay alimony or any form of post separation support. We have also resolved the child custody issue and while I initially was going to fight for full custody I did not want my children to be torn apart or brought into court to state which parent they wanted to be with more and upon reflection agreed to joint.

So all that is left to resolve is property issues, which granted are relatively substantial, as in addition to our own marital home in which I still reside, we have a number of rental properties which have underperformed in the property market and could be an issue trying to dispose of. My point is my ex tried to pull the wool over my eyes for about 6 months prior to actually having our legal separation period start as she did not tell me the truth of why she wanted to end the marriage and refused to move out and let the process start at the same time.

I feel like she wasted 6 months of my life. In that 6 months we lived under the same roof but were separated in all but name as she slept in a different room and hardly conversed with me. However, in my state you must be “legally” separated for one year before filing for a divorce which means not sharing the same roof.

As stated I’m now only 4 months into that process….it could have been much longer if my ex had just moved out and wasn’t so conniving for all those months prior to that. There is absolutely no chance of reconciliation….we don’t even communicate unless it’s through our attorneys at present. I can never forgive her for what she has done. The affair is one thing but the manipulation of me for months and months is what really blows any chance of reconciling, even if I wanted to and she did, which is not the case.

There is zero love or respect left for her. I’m way past ready to move on and meet other women. Not necessarily to run into another deep relationship but just to meet and share some fun times and laughs again with someone you enjoy spending time with.

If a relationship developed with such a woman it would be up to fate to decide. I have gone online on a few dating websites which I abhor but there is not much choice…it’s hard to meet people in your 40’s like you did back in your 20’s….most people of your own age are at home with their own families and I work in a male dominated profession so meeting women through work is also difficult. So I’m stuck on the online thing and trying to give it a go.

The problem is I’m been completely honest and not hiding anything….I state that I’m separated in my profile but I’m almost positive it is scaring any potential dates away…I’m not a bad looking guy in the looks department (slim and trim), educated and responsible so I feel the status of separated is proving to be a major thing going against me.

However, I do not want to lie and say something I’m not. When I try to contact a woman I always try to explain that I’m working through the process and there is no going back. I know that some separations may end up with reconciliation but every case and situation is different and in my case it’s a case of running down the clock. It’s killing me that I have 8 more months to go before I can file for a divorce…even then the process takes another 3-4 months on average before a judge grants a decree.

So it could well be one more calendar of having this “separated status” tied around my neck like a millstone. My ex, as stated, is still seeing her new beau, which I really don’t give a crap about anymore, but it does seem to be an injustice to me that for the innocent party in this whole thing I cannot have success in meeting someone else because I’m been honest and stating my true current status.

It’s been one year by myself without any form of female company and I’m looking at one more year. Some people on here advise to stay away from separated situations but every situation is different with my story showing that my marriage is done but the process is taking what seems like an eternity to go through. If I could file tomorrow for a divorce I would but my I can’t change my States laws and so I’m in limbo land for probably another year.

Any advice? I’m only been honest but I feel it’s the guys who are not honest are the ones who get the gal!! • Hi Joe. Since I wrote the last comment opportunities seem to be flying at me. Several women have spontaneously given me their phone numbers and have been on one date already. The trick seems to have been getting the chip off my shoulder – easier said than done.

Once I gave myself permission to just enjoy myself and concentrate on enjoying flirting the obstacle just went away. There are apparently a lot of women in my same situation. My only explanation is that it must be a body language thing. So I get that you are hurt but that wounded dude vibe might be scaring women away.

Good luck as this is a hard one and I don’t know how it shifted for me. And ditch the online stuff except for meetup – chemistry I think is better in person. • Thanks Sam for the feedback. I agree chemistry is better in person and it’s much easier to explain my status to someone face to face rather than through an unanimated profile on a website.

I just need to start getting out more I guess….either that or just forget about the whole thing and immerse myself in a hobby instead for the next year. Glad things have turned around for you. • Hi Joe, Things kind of blew up in my face a bit with the woman I went out on a date with. Was very clear about things being casual and thereafter things progressed much more rapidly than I expected to a wonderful afternoon of love making.

A few days later, my ex out of the blue asked me point blank if I was seeing anyone. I told her yes, but it wasn’t serious, and she hit the roof and things went from the usual chilly to very angry very quickly. Then she insisted that I move the rest of my stuff out of the house. Later it proved to be good because we both agreed the relationship was definitely over and we could see other people.

Anyway, I didn’t tell my ex who I was seeing, but when I told my new friend what I told my ex, then she got very angry and told me never to contact her again.

Then a month later she contacted me, but I was feeling gun shy so I said it wasn’t a good idea and then she blew up at me and told me again she never wanted to see me again again. Angry, dominant women. This is what killed the relationship the first time around and I hope I don’t have a pattern of seeking them out. They aren’t much fun… • Im with a married man, they been seperated for 5 years & I didnt know about the marriage until months after getting involved with him.

I love him but its always in the back of my mind, I feel like im sharing him with another woman & itsnot even like that thats just how I feel. They havent done anything for a divorce & idk when they will. If I would have known this before I got caught up I would hav never got involved. I just feel disrespected in a way he says its just a piece of paper but to me a marriage is more than that. They have a kid together too but so do we its just very frustrating because i feel like I will never have that title with him no matter how special he makes me feel.

• I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. When we first met he was very honest with me about him and his wife going through a divorce. Although nothing has really happened with it. They have been apart for about 4 years now but 2 septembers ago he had moved out of the house ( so lived together for a year broken up and he moved out in thay september and then i met him the same yr December ) anyway i ended up moving in with him 4 months after we met.

Knowing he was going through a divorce process. Anyway there hasnt been a divorce process. Neither of them bring it up! I am very patient but i also express to him how i feel and ask him when he plans on moving forward with the divorce. His response is he is waiting for her to file. He has done everything that he could ok his end ( meaning they already figured everything out on how they are going to seperate things.) So whats the wait for??

Is it normal to start losing trust in him when he hasn’t done anything wrong? Everytime she texts him about the kids i dont trust it. Someone please tell me is this normal and how do i handle thia moving forward? • Theresa, My advice to stay at a distance as a friend only, and WAIT until the divorce is final. You will save yourself SO much heartache! Let him work out all his emotions, and deal with his “wife” without butting in, and distance yourself emotionally.

(easier said than done). Believe me…I learned a valuable lesson being in a serious relationship with a married man for 4 1/2 years of emotional turmoil. My married man’s divorce will be final later this month, and so much damage has been done between us.. He is now dating another woman.

It’s okay, I am too bitter to be with anyone right now. Good luck~ • My ex bf I met 6 weeks after he split with his wife (I did not know that at the time) we were hot an heavy 2 months before he got cold feet. He did the same thing to the next girl, now he’s on gf #3. And it hasn’t been 9 months since his wife left him, divorce not final. My advice, save yourself the heartache. • IAM really needing some advice. I feel like IAM going nuts and I am starting to get very impatient and mad at my bf.

Guess I should do a quick recap. Him and his exwife have been seperate for a little over a year. We have been dating a year. We pretty much started dating right away. And yes I know that a huge no no for both of us but a yr later and we are very much in love with eachother and happy. After a while of being together we started to talk about marriage and how he wanted nothing more then to file his divorce and be done. He was so excited. I was to I wanted nothing more then that chapter of his life to be somewhat finished and for ours to start.

I know him and his ex will always have contact as they have 2 kids together and IAM really fine with that. A few montha back she drove drunk (kids not with her thank God) she hit another car and killed one lady and critically injured another. I know IAM jumping around sorry. Needless to say she will most likely be going to jail in the next few years.

Anyways back to topic. His UR seperation recently finished and now he is able to file. Thing is he seems to make excuses. He is really bad for procrastinating but when we spoke earlier in the relationship I didn’t think excuses would happen. Maybe I just feel they are excuses when they actually legit I don’t know.

But 3 weeks ago I told him to go to the court hpuse to get the papers he said ok on Monday. I woke early to go with uim and then go to our usual coffee spot. He woke and said he didn’t want to today(classic him) I told him I would go for him. The lady at courthouse gave me a website to do all the paper work online and help. A week goes by and he hadn’t even glanced at it.

So I log on one evening and try to help. As IAM asking questions about helping me he turns around and says he is going to shower. I got so mad and told him that I was here to help and not to do the entire thing. That it was his divorce and he needed to actually be the one doing and not me.

He said” U said u would help tho” I dropped the papers and said that when he was prepared i will help. I reminded him he needs his marriage cert to proceed. A week later he finally texted his x and asked. After a few days she said she probably wouldn’t get around to finding it (lol) so I mentioned he could order one.

Finally last night I asked him to please sit down and do this. He did but he seemed to be trying to play with words and tell me he couldn’t for this or that.

Finally I sat down and showed him what to do. Then he said oh well I can’t finish it because I don’t know where she was born!!!!! So back to the back burner. Today he told me he texted her and asked but that she hadn’t got back to him. He also went to her house today to drop the kids off. I asked why he didn’t just ask while he was there. He said oh well slipped my mind that not what I was there for so whatever it’s only been a day.

And yes I do understand that it’s only one day but it just feels like there is always something as to why he can’t start it. It’s getting really disheartening and IAM feeling like maybe he is doing all this to prolong it. I don’t understand why as he has said over na diver there is no way he is going back to her. And like I said we have had plans of our own. I don’t want to give him the old do it or IAM leaving.

But IAM kinda at my wits end. Am I being to unreasonable? Pushing it? I really don’t know. I have tried to sit back and wait to see but it’s as if if he doesn’t have someone riding his butt or reminding him daily he just doesn’t do it. Not that he does when I remind him anyways. Sorry for all the spelling mistakes. • Theresa, If you haven’t purchased and read Christie’s book “Dating the Divorced Man”, please do so. I wish I had bought it early in my relationship with a separated man, and saved myself a lot of heartache.

I have walked away 8 months ago, and am still in so much pain and dealing with so much bitterness. I did the same mistake of doing the work for his divorce for him. (I even paid the lawyer fee since that was one of the excuses!) Please understand that if you don’t back off with pushing him file for that divorce himself, he will have resentment towards you.

If he truly wants his divorce, he will do it himself. You need to decide what YOU want. If you want to be with a married man and hope the divorce won’t take years, than change your outlook on the situation. Otherwise, you will find yourself miserable, bitter, and depressed about wasting your time and precious life waiting for something that is out of your control. Read my other comments on this blog please.

I waited 5 years for his divorce (it is final Feb. 17th because SHE filed!), and we even got engaged the last year we were together. It was a disaster honey! Long story, but bottom line is YOU and only YOU can decide what is best for you.

• Thank you for responding Mary. It does seem almost like a no win. Unless you have a endless supply of patience. You wait for him…. U have a chance of waiting along time and become bitter, you push him….

He becomes bitter. Sigh. I did try to talk again last night. All he needed was some info from ex to get a marriage cert. all he asked was to confirm a birth place and birthdate. She got mad cuz he needed the confirmation and told him he would have to wait as she had to cope with the idea he didn’t know this. (At least that’s the newest reason he has to wait again. I don’t even know what to believe anymore)Sigh, I feel like I’ve been pulled into a seriously dysfunctional ….

Thing lol. I will get that book though. I looked at the book stores here and they don’t have it so I guess I will have to biy through my ereader or something. Thank you for the point in the right direction Mary. And of course to Christie for the book☺️.

Hopefully it all goes well as I do truly love him, but your right, I need to think about what’s best for me. • Theresa, You’re welcome. You can buy the book on Amazon. Good luck to you, and whatever you decide for yourself and your emotional health.

I am continuing to deal with my bitterness, and heartache daily, but I know with time I will heal now that I walked away, and stayed away from his empty promises. • This is the first time on this site and I thought I would let you know about my experience. I started dating a 3 1/2 year separated man last February and he led me to believe he was divorced.

We fell head over heels in love and 8 weeks later he asked me to marry him. We are both in our late forties. I said yes and he said we should keep it to ourselves for a few weeks until we had a ring. Luckily I did this! We went ring shopping at his request and I tried on some that I liked.

They were slightly above what he wanted to pay and he said we could get one the next month when he had his bonus. I still had not met his 16 and 19 year old kids at this point.

He had met mine. A month went by and he kept trying to avoid ring topics and closed off on me. He was still being just as loving. Eventually I got upset and confronted him asking when we would get the ring.

He said he wanted me to meet his kids first and that he should never have asked me until that had happened. I broke up with him but he made all sorts of promises to get me back…that he would get a ring and do a proper romantic proposal. For the next few weeks I kept begging him to let me meet his kids and he would say that he was trying to talk to them but they were resisting. 4 months later I came out and asked him whether he was actually divorced and he said NO.

I was so shocked and ended it with him. He told me he was sorry and that he hadn’t told me in the beginning because he thought I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship otherwise. When he realised I would not be coming back to him he went to see the wife and got the divorce started. I still felt such a fool for saying yes to a proposal that was nothing more than fake. We kept breaking up every few weeks because I just couldn’t trust him. After a couple of other lies came out I decided to end it for good.

This was after months of promising that there would be a proposal as soon as his divorce came through he backtracked and said he would do it some time this year and that he wanted things to evolve naturally. I said ‘how can they evolve naturally when you’ve already proposed before?’ He just couldn’t seem to get it. I have spent months being devastated, feeling tricked, deceived and like he had turned me into some desperate needy woman demanding a proposal.

As divorce day loomed he then threw into the mix that he could live with me but not my 13 year old daughter as he cant cope with teenage girls. This was the final straw and we’ve been split up a week and I have no intention of going back to him. I would say to anyone in this situation to get out quick, as soon as you find out a lie then run for your life as more lies will usually follow.

I’m not sure I’ll ever trust a man again • Should have read this two years ago. In totally traumatized by the separated man I was dating. That jerk initially lied about being divorced, then started proceedings to get child support sorted out (he had the kids) with my help, but he wasn’t in a hurry to actually divorce he just wanted the money from his ex. Anyways turns out he was cheating on me, looking for a woman to super his ass.

He was abusive, deceitful and of course, had not paid the money he borrowed from me. Never again. It’s just not worth it. Here I am, child free, youngish, good job and this “man” was just looking to drag me into his drama and fix his life (unless he could catch a wealthier woman to do it.).

Never, ever again. • I wish that I read this back in August. Ive been dating a man going through a separation with no n kids, but a wife who cannot believe they are getting divorced and will not accept it.

He went as far as lying to me when he went to the movies & dinner with her, playing tennis with her, having dinner with her at their old house and I realized if he can lie to my face about this then he can lie about anything.

He should have made me choose whether or not i wanted to still date him if he has to do all these social things. His wife even went as far as sending his mom flowers from the both of them for valentines day… I had asked him if he was ready to date when he had started & he said yes because he has been separated for over a year. truth of the matter is, I have to let go…He has not left his marriage emotionally yet.

when i saw some of the messages he has sent her that were a bit much ..and i mean like also made me realize he has been some what enabling her feelings that its not over. any advice? • Thanks and I’m sharing this blog. It’s really insightful. It’s sad but I wasted 6 months and can’t do it again.

I’m over it,..he’s 50 years old and I thought he’d know better. She still sends flowers to his family from both of them like they’re a couple. I hope you check out my blog as well too. Triple thanks and I love the level of maturity with support here too. • Ok, so here’s my scenario. My ex-wife left me in April of 2013 when I was overseas for the military.

I thought she was moving to be closer to be family but instead she was moving to be near a guy. We officially separated at that time. After one year I filed for divorce as required. About 6 months ago she moved in with her new boyfriend. We were scheduled for our final hearing in October which the court did not grant the divorce due to her not being there.

After hiring an attorney, I tried to do the paperwork myself the first time, we have another final hearing next week. Within the last 6-9 months I’ve started dating and it’s been 2 years away from my ex. I have recently started dating someone who I think things could get serious with, but have not told her that I am not officially divorced because at this point it’s more of a formality than anything else. I still feel pretty horrible about it though. On one hand, I feel like I’ve only been dating this girl for about a month and it’s not really her business yet, and on the other, I feel like I’m misleading her and I’m not ok with that either.

My question for the world then is; do I need to explain this to her being that we’ve only been dating a month and it will be finalized next week? Or do I keep it to myself as I don’t want to know anything negative about her past? If I do tell her, how do I do it? I was thinking I’d set her down, get out all of the paperwork and fully explain every aspect but still I don’t feel like we’re at a place where she should have access to all of the details of my life yet.

Just wondering and thank you. • hi J first off, thanks for your service in the military. if you are serious, you need to tell her. i just left a guy who was dishonest about his divorce . I was not sure if i could trust him & what else he was hiding from me.

I have been on the other side of this a few times. First off, maybe take a walk with her somewhere nice outdoors & ask her if she is interested in being exclusive or getting more serious. If she says yes, then let her know that you have been separated from your ex wife for 2 years, there is NO chance you guys are getting back & explain the rest. If you are honest & she wants to be with you , chances are she will be supportive.

I understand that lying & hoping she does not find out is easy, but it catches up. I found out so much stuff about the previous guy I was dating & his “ex”. He was dishonest & now wasted 7 months of my life I hope this helps & wish you the best Jasmin PS oddly enough , the guy I dated wrote a book about military guys & it was later turned into a tv series • Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I told the girl I’m dating as suggested by Jasmin and Christie.

She didn’t seem to care at all. I felt like she was relieved because I had been acting kind of weird and it hadn’t been something more serious. Anyway, divorce has been finalized, a huge weight had been lifted from my back and I get to start out in this new relationship in complete honesty. Thanks again! • Hi, thank you for all the insightful comments and replies in this post. I am dating a separated man and would appreciate some advice.

Our timeline below: Jan 2014- got to know each other in the workplace, hardly spoke, if at all Oct 2014- started working on a project together and hit it off, started talking more at work Dec 2014- his wife decided to return to the states with their 5 year old son, as she is unable to adapt to asia (he came to asia for work about 2 years ago).

She was supposed to return for 6 months and then return to asia again. About two weeks after she left, she supposedly told him that she hates asia and does not wish to return.

Around this time, we admit we have feelings for each other. He tells the wife about me- she doesn’t freak out as we did not do anything (no kissing, etc).

Jan 2015- The wife flies back with the kid, and informs him that she is 2 months pregnant with his child. She wants to keep the baby, they have a talk and decide on a trial separation until July when the second child is born, since she intends to return to the states. Emotionally, she says she still loves and wants to be with him. According to him, he no longer feels the same for her. He updates me about their status every step of the way, tells me he understands if I cannot deal with the status of the rs now, which is that he cannot promise a divorce- he wants to see how to sort out custody of the existing child (and the unborn one) come July when it is born.

Feb 2015- The wife and kid flies back to the states. We start dating- the wife is aware. I spend nights at his place, we have dinners, everything is wonderful. He answers any qns I have about his rs with his wife, esp when I see things around his apartment that have to do with her. We chat a lot about his kid. At this point, the company which employs us both closes down.

He is on an employment pass and thus has to find a new job fast before he has to return to the states. For over a month, we were both extremely stressed. He had other job offers in further parts of Asia, the states (but not where his wife, kid and her maiden family are) and europe.

I told him honestly that if he were to exit Asia it is over for us (as I can’t deal with him being newly separated plus being in a totally different timezone and so far away) and he said he understood. March/April 2015- Fantastic news, he landed a position in Asia based to close to where I am, with travelling around the region and regular work trips to my country. So far we have each flown once to visit each other over the weekend.

I am all right with the current arrangement of just being in the same general region as it is possible for us to spend regular time together and be a part of each others’ weekend lives. It is like a part-time long distance rs. Around this period, he also opened up a lot to me about his past (both romantic and non romantic).

He shared with me issues in his rs with his wife (neither of them did anything really bad/wrong, it was just a series of small unwise decisions that in hindsight unravelled the rs, such as childcare, responsibility of running the household not fairly shared, not making time for each other). He feels that the personality of his wife (very laid back and passive) means that it is hard for them to navigate a good working rs as there is a lack of teamwork, and he has to do a lot of the heavy lifting in the day to day life they share, which leaves him exhausted.

I do not feel he is lying or exaggerating, he does not speak about his wife in a negative way, and I do not think badly of her. I think it is simply that they made a series of bad decisions (ie, choosing privacy over having hired help even though they could not cope with the running of the household) and the circumstances were difficult (ie, no family support, being so far away from the US, new culture).

NOW: things have been good the last few months, we agreed any time we have too high expectations of each other we will take a step back, since nothing has been promised until come July. We both really like each other and I am 90 per cent sure I am not a rebound or a bridging rs. He treats me with care and consideration, especially when it comes to certain areas I am sensitive about due to past rs-s.

I am not jealous of his wife or worried about the kid(s), and have assured him that he can/shld maintain a cordial rs with his wife and always try to keep his kids in his life. Just wanted to know if you sense any red flags/anything I should be aware of?

Any general thoughts? • Oh my god..this is almost like my situation I just exited. to the hills sweetie. The whole time my guy was communicating with his ex and going out with her to appease her & never moved fwd with the divorce.

This guy’s ex sounds just like my guy’s ex. i also dated a guy with a kid with a somewhat unstable and dependant ex wife. the kids might be great and all but she sounds controlling and the more serious you guys get, im sure her true colors will come out.

All of this sounds like a big red flag.the fact that he has kids with her is also a perfect way in her passive mode to drag him back in. He should file for the divorce asap. My guy never filed for his divorce & I just learned yesterday he got back with his wife.

Th wife who would send his family flowers from the 2 of them , tell him she loves him ,etc. I feel that it is unfair to you , and him, to invest emotions with each other until July. Cut your losses and move on & perhaps date others and then reconnect in July. In all honesty., I would have walked away from the second he told me he has another kid on the just sounds like big recipe for disaster.

Sorry I cant write more, I am off to a class. Ill try & look at this later again & do let us know what you decide to do. I hope you’re ok • Hi jas- thanks so much for your thoughts!

I read thru the thread and am really sorry about what you had to go thru! I think sometimes people use their rs with their partners/ex partners families to guilt trip their partners… Such as the case of your guy’s ex sending flowers from e two of them to present them as a unit- even if they no longer are. In my situation, I am pretty sure he isn’t appeasing her/playing us both.

1. He wanted me to meet his kid, and I met the boy once. The boy gave me many drawings over a few weeks. I also gave him some books. My guy recorded his son saying thanks to me and once his son called me to say thank you for one of the gifts. All this during Jan, when the wife flew back to inform him about the kid and stayed for about a month. (They were sorting out some house moving logistics as she needed to pack her things as she did not want to return to asia again.) 2.

I saw on his computer some of their conversations where they still address each other with terms of endearments such as ‘dear’.

I got a little upset and asked him about it a few days later. He had an answer immediately. He told me honestly that he is used to usijg such endearments with her, that they were tgt for close to 20 years, that she was the only woman he’d been with since his 20s, he likes her as a person and he is still learning how to navigate the changes in their rs in the last few months.

He was honest and very aplogetic and we talked about how I felt about the endearments they still use. (Once I established that it was out of habit, instead of him actually meaning them, I actually am cool with them- I don’t think it is easy to just do a 180 degree change in such small daily habits after you have been with someone for a long time.) the next day, we had another conversation about it- he initiated it and said he felt really bad about me having to go thru this while things are still being sorted, and he is not sure he wants to put me thru this.

This was a month ago and while I am not sure if the endearments are still going on, I think this is an issue (the usage of endearments) is something we have discussed and have no issue with for now.

After all, they are still on friendly terms (despite some small arguments over the wife not pulling her weight to help out with household paperwork/logistics). Also, I do not want them to have a nasty divorce if it comes to that. 3. We both have heard advice that it is best to keep our distance until July when things are sorted.

That was also the initial plan. But I think we have both fallen hard for each other. And this time period is also sort of a trial for us to see how things go for the two of us (whether we are really a good fit, ESP in terms of day to day life, not just as a honeymoon couple.

I think we both value staying in love as a couple in the face of real life issues and challenges.) also, he has started speaking to his wife about having the kid fly over to visit him in asia (one of his family members could fly over with his kid to visit).

Essentially now until July is a time for us to see if we can come up with arrangements for things to work out long term. I see your point about the wife being passive and dependent. Honestly going by what I have heard about her, I think if they choose to get a divorce, the paperwork would be an absolute nightmare on her end, as she doesn’t handle such things well.

But for now what I want to concentrate on is whether there is a chance things can work out for this guy and I. I have thought about it and if come July he chooses to stay with his wife, I will be hurt but ok with it- because I don’t want him to feel guilty or like he is making the wrong choice by being with me.

So if there is even the slightest chance he feels like being with me is a bad choice, I’d rather he choose his wife. I never want to feel like I’m the person he shouldn’t be with (happened with a past rs).

So I think we are both focused on how things are btw us now and how we can make things (mainly his rs with his kid(s)) work long term. • Funny how things have changed for me since originally starting on this thread. At first I was depressed and a bit sexually and romantically desperate after 25 years in an essentially sexless marriage which ended.

I wanted something casual to reaffirm my masculinity. Then I had a fling and felt good but attached. Then shortly after this woman threw me to the curb and I felt awful. Now four months later, and reading all the conflict in these posts, I am so glad I have not gone back out chasing. It is relaxing to be my own person without having to deal with all this feminine psychology (enough of that from my ex-wife).

The lack of sex can be a drag but the freedom is definitely worth it. • I met my guy off the internet dating website…we went in strong and fell madly in love…we are long distant so it makes things ruff already…we see each other at least every 3 weeks…well in january (2 months into relationship) he came to my house for a week and during this week he tells me he is still married but has been separated for a year…I was soo devastated bc I felt like I have been lied to… At the beginning he told me he had been divorced fir 3 years by a lady and had 2 kids…well the truth is that he was married to a whole diff lady and had 2 kids by her too.

The lady he originally told me he was married to was someone he was with for 10 years but never married prior to his real marriage…he told me he was afraid to tell me in the beginning bc he knew I wouldn’t have given him a chance…which I wouldn’t had…He wanted me to stick it out bc he is going to divorce the wife and he loves me and had never felt this way about anyone…I too feel the same way…well its been 4 mths and still no papers filed…he says she wants the divorce too but now she wants marriage counseling…he doesnt but her father is a preacher who wants my guy to do the counseling before divorce…I told him he has til july for something to happen bc in his state ir only takes 90 days for a divorce….I dont know what to do…we have so much fun when we r together..

All we do is laugh and a great time…I have been to hus hpuse 4 times now and I know they are not together but I dont understand if he doesnt want the counseling why he just dont file on his own….he says bc he wants them to not fight and he wants to agree on everything with her…please tell me what yall think • You have scared me immensely by this…I just went through this exact same thing but there were no kids involved & it was with a guy I knew for 19 years.

It seems as though he has not left the marriage emotionally & might be sticking t the its cheaper to keep her motto, especially because there are kids involved.

Run to the hills….life is too short to be lied to, If he lied to you about some stuff, there is no telling what else he will lie about. If you allow him to lie like that, it sends a signal that he can do this repeatedly to you. You do not need to be the other woman or waiting around until he decides what to do. This waiting in filing is poppycock. If he wants a divorce; he will get one. This is the same crap my ex told me…guess what..he is back with his ex!

This guy sounds like he is not really available..keep your options open or just cut your losses. So sorry you have to go through this • Erica, If you have read over all the comments on this blog, then you already know what the intelligent decision is.

But ultimately, it is your choice. I walked away 9 months ago from my “separated” man, and can honestly say that I don’t regret my decision. I dealt with so much drama and stress while we were together for almost 5 years. He finally got the divorce a few months ago, and is with someone else now, but I am so much better without him. He would have never put boundaries with his “ex” or adult children. Actions speak louder than words! When I read your post, I thought what a huge red flag it was that your guy wasn’t honest with you from the beginning.

Without trust… Good luck with your decision. • I have been seeing a guy who is currently married but is planning to file for divorce at the end of August. He has been married for almost five years but his reason for marriage was so that he could live in the states without becoming an official citizen.

His wife was aware of this and signed a contract where she agreed to marry him for a certain amount of money and time. But the contract ends in August and he tells me that he is ready to move on. I know there’s not a lot of details so I can provide more if needed, but I was wondering if I could get some advice about dating a married man and maybe some red flags to look out for and how to approach this situation?

• I have been dating a guy for 8 months, he told me he had filed for divorce 2, 3 months before we ran into each other. His wife moved out of state right after the divorce was filed. In our state it requires 2 months. Ok, please understand I have never dated a separated or divorced man, have no idea how that works and feels until now. At the beginning he said that after 60 days if neither party responses then they have to file again.

He was so stressed out when his ex left to another state that he starts smoking. Then he said that he needs to wait a little longer to get most of the shared bills paid. Then one day, we were just talking casually, he said he doesn’t want to make another mistake with another person and that he doesn’t want to change the current situation, he meant living by himself and not divorced, he doesn’t want to rock the boat cause him and his kids are happy.

His kids are in colleges, he’s been married for 27 years. After hearing that, I told him we need to take a break until he’s divorced. He agreed. I was wondering if I did the right think taking a break, stopping the relationship now.

I don’t want to be more hurt than I already am. I do love him, I’ve been beside myself but I want to stick with my decision, our relationship being so short, 8 months, I think he will move on and not care about me. I’ve researched and learned more about dating separated men, it’s a very dangerous territory to enter I found, hearts get broken like mine.

Now I feel used, cheated cause he’s not honest with me true and true, there are times I hate him for dragging me into this mess. After 27 years, it may take him few years to heal for real, and only then he can move on. • Hi, I’m dating a separated man and am going crazy. They were married for 28 years, have 2 children although they’re not children anymore as they are 21 and 16.

He feels like he did the “right” thing by staying in the marriage all those years as he heard his kids speak of how one of their parent’s lived “here” and one “there”. He didn’t want that for them.

Finally something happened that he says he couldn’t recover from and he asked for a separation and seeing how she willingly moved out my best guess is that she was unhappy too. That was back in January and he and I met in March.

(by complete chance!) So if you do the math, we have been together for 6 months. Admittedly, that’s not a long time but we’re old enough to know what we want and speak of our love and our dreams of being together someday.

The problem is this and I don’t know if I’m right or wrong here. I’d like to be working on some of those dreams we speak of, a least a stepping stone of sorts, a promise to me that we are for real.

I’m not saying that I want to jump right into the epicenter of his life,but rather just let his kids know that he’d like to start dating because he deserves to be happy. They don’t need to know about me specifically, but at least get them used to the idea that Dad is serious about this and get them used to knowing he’s going out on occasion on a date.

Then possibly introduce me into the picture. I’m fine with baby steps! Right now I feel like a part time girlfriend. We text constantly, we talk during the day and we see each other after he gets out of work and on weeknights as much as we can. He has said he doesn’t want to be on a “timetable”.

I don’t understand the timetable reference as I’m not asking for us to move in together or get married and I certainly didn’t put this out there as an ultimatum. Don’t get me wrong, I really am in love with him, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing to ask for advice. He’s not lied to me about anything, and is a complete and absolute gem of a man.

We want the same things out of life and love, or I thought so until now and I’m afraid of losing him and the love we found. My own personal situation, taking him out of the picture is that I’m divorced and free and clear to move forward with my life. I’m living in an very nice apartment and from any outsiders view I should have no issues as I have a good solid job and can take care of myself. I found a class that I’m liking and keep occupied to the best of my ability when he and I can’t be together.

My problem is loneliness. When all is said and done: I’m alone. I go home to an empty home and I know there is no one who is coming home to me. I eat alone, watch TV alone, am alone on weekends, you get the point.

Regardless of my job and my class, and that I like to take walks and ride my bike – I’m doing all that alone. It’s miserable for me to be living like this, in love with the man of my dreams, literally, who speaks of wanting a future with me while we remain in this place where he doesn’t seem to want to take even the slightest step forward.

He says he knows what i am asking, he says we’ll keep talking and hash this out. Am I asking too much from him? Am I making my problem his? Is 6 months just too soon for any kind of “next step”? My own marriage didn’t last as long as his so I don’t consider myself an expert on this at all.

I have a friend who went through a painful divorce he didn’t want and found a divorce support group where the group leader said that for every 5 years of marriage, it takes a year to get over it.

Just how true is that? What have he and I gotten ourselves into? Most of all, I want us to survive and I want love to prevail because we sure have a lot of it. Thank you for any comments, advice, encouragement, etc that any of you may have. And please don’t hesitate to ask for clarification on anything. I have nothing to hide and am truly seeking sound advice.

• I’m going to reply to my own status: I did some soul searching last night, lying in bed before I fell asleep and asked myself, “What the hell am I doing?” By focusing on the negatives of MY CHOICE to be with this man I fell in love with, and being selfish and wanting more when I know damn well he’s giving me and our relationship what he can – I’m ruining some real chances of happy times together, PLUS doing nothing but twisting up my insides and making people worry about me by whining and complaining “I’m all alone and can’t take it anymore” That is not who I am, not my personality and not what I’ve learned in my 51 years of life!!

The reality is that I don’t have to be alone, I don’t have to sit and wait for him and be a spare time girlfriend, in fact I don’t even like that term!! The time we have together is time that we make for each other!

I love him dearly, and I have to admit that through the crap I dealt him, and with every chance I gave him to run far and fast from me – he didn’t. He kept coming back, he said he didn’t fall in love with me only to lose me. Those words speak volumes! There is link that was sent to me by a friend, . It’s filled with groups I can join to enjoy what I like doing with other people, meet people and make friends.

It’s my choice to either be alone and lonely and depressed or get up off my ass and enjoy life. My happiness is my decision and I take care of me, not him or anyone else. The better I am for me, the better I am overall in everything in life. I love him, he loves me. What will happen will happen.

If he and I turn out to be just a season in each others lives then so be it. I’m going to enjoy it all. It’s my choice. I choose to be happy. I choose not to be pushy or ask of people what they can’t or aren’t ready to give me.

It’s not fair to anyone and is doing nothing but causing unnecessary heartache. • I read all of these comments and the conflict in all of them makes me more aware of what I am up against. Three years ago I got thrown into a divorce I did not want. The ex was quick to file within two months of leaving me.

He ran off with another woman and deserted me and our three kids. Moved in with her within four months of filing and got her pregnant within six months of divorce proceedings.

Gave birth three weeks prior to the divorce being final. I went through a huge nightmare. Here I am three years later, totally divorced, have my own life, met my old college boyfriend again only and he is separated, has divorce papers since June, they both signed and notarized the papers but hasn’t filed. It’s now September. His wife has moved in with someone else since January and has moved on – she is the one who left their marriage. They have kids together and only text about the kids.

I trust him. I have seen the messages. He knows when I’m communicating with my ex about my kids too. I had a hard time calling him a boyfriend when he’s still legally with his wife since we got seeing each other in July. He SAID he is my boyfriend recently.

He said he wants a relationship with me. He wants to hug me so I feel safe. He gets very protective and concerned about my well being. I get concerned about him as well. We have known each other for twenty years. I think he kept tabs on me through our friends but it wasn’t until two years ago we connected on Facebook. It wasn’t until May we got our kids together and just became friends.

I didn’t look for him. He searched me out as I was dating someone else long distance. It ended in June and my old college boyfriend, the separated one and I hung out over July 4th and spent the whole summer together.

His kids are not aware of us being together. We kept it that way. I remember what my kids went through three years ago. It was hard on them. I don’t want that for his kids. For now I’m a friend to his kids. That’s how it should be anyway. My kids are older and know he’s my boyfriend now. Complicated, not really.

We exchanged I love yous very early on in July/August. And then we had a bit of a misunderstanding and I just can’t say I love you again for fear of it blowing up in my face. I guess deep down I have this fear of losing him when he’s not legally mine to begin with. Silly I know. I have strong feelings for him.

I love deeply when I do. I commit strongly. Recently I made a huge mistake voicing my concerns about him not filing the papers or getting his wife’s things out of his house. It was more his mother complaining to me about the things being in the house that spurred me to confront him.

I felt absolutely horrible for saying anything. I know with him, he does things on his own time. When he says he is going to do xyz he does it. Now I’ve stopped saying what I’m thinking or feeling. Mostly because I don’t want to come across as pushy and clingy or needy, etc.

He has started doing things I.e. Getting her stuff out of the house for example. Taking her off bills. Calling a lawyer etc. I feel like I might not feel so afraid if he does finally file papers and get proceedings going and get it done. I just don’t want to ask about any of it unless he brings it up in conversation.

For fear of another misunderstanding!!! I guess I just hang in there. I never thought I would date a separated man. Even though I have known him for so long. I still fear getting hurt even though I live on my own.

I have raised my kids on my own for three years without a partner. And I can’t see myself getting married again unless that’s what my boyfriend wants after he has divorced and healed. Sorry but this blog seems like the best one for support that I have come across online so far.

It’s getting to me. Thank you. • Hi , I could really use some help! I am 31( single-no kids) and have met the most amazing man I could ever have imagined (online). We had an immediate connection and were in contact or seeing each other every day since (almost 2 months long now). There is only one issue: he has FOUR children and is still living with his ex-wife (she’s on the couch) with whom he was been separated from for 9 months after she cheated on him with his best friend.

The divorce is still in the paper-work process and she is definitely moving out as soon as the dissolution has been resolved. I understand that they are doing what is best for the kids by continuing to live together until the custody battle has been resolved, but I feel like we are having to hide everything and not having a real relationship. He assures me that I’m not a rebound and that we have a connection that he’s never felt before, not even with his ex., that said, I already see that this is going to be a rollercoaster ride that I’m not prepared to deal with mentally.

I know he THINKS I’m not a rebound, but I can’t help but feel like I know better… I feel like he needs time to heal and get over this before trying to pull someone into this mess. That said, I do not want to end things with this amazing guy for fear that I will never meet someone as perfect for me and that he really will be done with all this in a few months. I’m losing my patience, and don’t want to resent him for everything I’m consequently going through, but I also don’t want to hurt him by pouring more salt on his wound.

What do you suggest? Stand by him and have faith or quit while I’m behind? Thank you so much for your support. • I have dated a man for almost 2 years already. He has been separated for 3-4 years now and have file for the Divorce Twice, the first time 2 years before we met and last year he file for Divorce once again. We have lived together for these two years, we have been very happy together, and have supported him all the way. He has 3 kids who lives with their mother (My ex “stil wife”) and I have a 3 year old boy.

My boyfriend help their kids financially and supports them and his still wife, due to the fact she dont want to work and always giving excuses so he can keep on giving her what she has been used to received from him.

She wants to always be around his family with excuses for her trying to get all she can “Economically” and so for my boyfriend’s mother can keep taking care of her grandkids because, becuase apparentely she cannot even take good care of her own kids.

She even moved to another town with the idea of “the far I move the more monthly income i will receive for me and my kids from their father/grandmother etc)… Now she decided to move back again not only to the same town but to my Boyfriend mother’s house, because she has no other place to stay, which of course I am happy for one part, because the kids will be taking good care of and we will know for fact that they are doing good and receiving everything they need and most importantly the love from all of us.

Now I need advices because one thing is to be supported at all time but to deal with the fact i have to “Understand/and get use to the idea” of her stying by my boyfriends house, and the fact that they are not even Divorce gives me all kind of insecurities. My family doesn’t know until this day he is a man that is still married, and i have tried so hard so they dont find out because I grew in a very religious family and they wont accept it or will think different about my boyfriend and i dont want nobody to look at him different.

Also, i wanted to have another kid, but now with him having 3 and with mine 4, 5 would be just too much not for me to have to but for us to have 5 kids together. This is harder than i thought.

I dont want to just quit and throw the towel on our relationship, but I dont want to grow false hopes that he will be one day divorced.

What bothers me too is that he doesnt seem to worry about getting the divorce , he has taken his time and still moving slow, so is this a Red Flag??? Am i missing something in this picture? am I living in a fairytale? I need advice Please. • (cont’d from above) I forgot to mention that I want to get married and have kids. Soon. He’s had a vasectomy.

I’m not sure if he will want more kids…four is a lot. I don’t want to sacrifice my precious time (only getting older!) waiting for him to get over this and decide if he wants to get married or have kids again! – Stephanie • Hi guys, I’m kinda clueless where to start…at the age 15 I met the love of my life and that’s the absolute man of my dreams, that’s who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with…my whole future was planned out.

We brought 3 wonderful boys in this world. Unfortunately my whole world was turned upside down when I recieved a call June 14, 2002 that he was robbed and shot ~ he never made it. That was the most devastating time of my life, I was only 22 years old.

I had been out of the dating world for a long time until about 5 years ago. Never met anyone that made me feel like loving again. Then one day I was in the grocery store and this guy came up to me introduces his self and immediately I was drawn to him. We exchanged numbers and a couple weeks later he invited me to dinner. And so I asked the magic question why are you single AND THEN he simply says I’m actually going through a divorce and my mind suddenly went blank…that was last thing I was expecting to hear.

So after that night never expected that to go anywhere …as married men is not exactly my type but we kept talking and now I’m falling for this guy. I stopped talking him for a month and tried so hard to ignore his messages etc. then he insisted that we meet and talk and so I agreed. Now he tells me they are separated with no chance of reconciliation but she’s going through medical problems right now and he want to support her.

Then he asks me if I cld just be patient until this process is over. I want to believe that what he’s saying is the truth but I have trust issues and my mind won’t let me accept that as a justifiable reason to continue in a relationship with him but yet my heart won’t let me walk away. It so hard to find someone that makes me feel the way he makes me feel. I’m now 37 years old I’ve been alone all the remainder of my life, raised my 3 boys all by myself and so I’m afraid to let go.

I’ve waited so long to find someone that cld make me feel that way again , to want to love and be loved. NOW if what he’s saying is the truth and it was a mutual agreement to end their marriage then I’ll be okay with that but if he is lying and they are still happily married then I will never be able to forgive him for the lies or myself for allowing myself to be a fool for love.

This so against everything I believe and stand for. I know it’s easier to judge when you’re on the outside looking in. However, I would appreciate your honesty… • Wow I’m glad I found this site!

My high school sweetheart found me after 30+ years and we’ve been dating again (not living together though) for 3 years now. We both have 2 adult kids each. I am LONG divorced and share the joy of babysitting a grandkid with my ex and his wife. My boyfriend has been separated for 4 years …. And is still going through a divorce. I do not understand why it’s taking this ridiculous amount of time.

I don’t even want to get married! She is living with her boyfriend. Mine just bought a house 3 miles away from my apartment to be closer to me. I don’t doubt his commitment to me. We’ve talked about me moving in with him. But …. He’s still married!!!!

I don’t get it. Get a divorce already! Cut the ties! Put it behind you!!!!! He gets really mad when I ask about it, which pisses me off AND makes me wonder what the heck is going on.

Anyhow, I’m not moving in til he’s divorced. And has dealt with being divorced! It takes time! Even if you are with another person, it takes time to emotionally let go of your marriage when it is finally, legally, over. Which I wish would hurry the heck up and happen. Sheesh!!!! • I’ve been separated from my wife now for a year and it’s now time for us to go along with the divorce process. I started dating a girl I knew from high school in February of last year and we clicked pretty fast.

I didn’t tell her all the details of my marriage or all of the reasons I was in the process of being divorced. This ending up hurting me because she eventually found out that infidelity was involved and it made her think a certain way about me.

We went through some battles between February and the week before Christmas, last year, which was the last time I talked to her. There were boundaries of mine she crossed and I started to feel as if she didn’t respect my boundaries the same was I was trying my all to respect hers. There were police being called and everything, with no physical abuse. The wild thing is that I was living with her and it was a long distance from where my normal life/job was located…about 50 miles away.

I was making that hike everyday, but when she got upset she would kick me out and I knew no one in that area, so I would have to pack ALL OF MY STUFF and head back to my hometown and try to find someplace to live/stay. I really cared for this girl and still do. I truly wish things could be fixed. Now back to my point, my wife has finally brought my the divorce papers and I don’t know if I want a divorce still. Hell…I truly don’t know what I want.

I’m a people pleaser and it’s not good at times. I feel hurt and bad about the way me and my ex-girlfriend broke up. I really do love her and care tremendously about her, but I’m kind of scared that she may put me in a dangerous situation. I on the other hand can’t figure if it was because of me that all of this went down. I had the biggest crush on my ex girlfriend since high school, but now I’m feeling like the grass wasn’t greener on the other side of the fence and should’ve never went this far with my wife.

I’ve known my wife for 13 years and have been married for 3. I’m only 30, so that’s nearly half of my life knowing her. I don’t know what to do. I want to communicate with my ex girlfriend and tell her that I’m sorry and put our relationship on better terms, but I’m afraid that if I do I’m gonna go further and fight for her to come back. I truly just don’t know which way is right and which way I truly want to go. I know my ex girlfriend has done some things to me but I keep giving her excuses based on pain and hurt that I may have brought into the relationship.

My mom can’t stand her and most of my family is hoping for me to reconcile with my wife. I don’t know what to do and it hurts a ton, everyday. It takes away from me being productive at work, in life, etc. I just want this all to be over!!! Should I give my ex girlfriend another try, just not move in and keep it at a distance for a while?

Should I reconcile with my wife? I love them both a ton and I don’t know what to do. I feel that if I wait too long, I’ll lose both of them, but I know it’s not fair to have one on the back burner for the other. So what do I do??? I really don’t want to live as far away from my job as my ex girlfriend lives and I don’t want her to have as much control over me as she does when I’m there, but I also don’t know if I’m willing to truly give up on someone I’ve known half of my life and has built such a huge bond with.

I just know that I need closure and I wish to give them respectful closure either way. I just don’t know who I should sway towards and if I should sway either way at all. • I have recently reconnected with a guy I met.

When we first met approximately 18 months ago I knew he was separated (had been separated approximately 3 months but he says the marriage had been emotionally over for almost a year) and they had not filed for divorce even though they were living completely separated.

Fast forward to two months ago, and we reconnect. I was under the impression that in the time we had not been in touch that they had gone through with the divorce (socially she changed her name back to her maiden name, he refers to her as his ex-wife, they live completely separate lives, their finances are completely separate and there is zero evidence of a woman living in his house).

I went online today to the county records where he lives (yes, I was snooping) and found out that she just this week filed for divorce.

The filing verifies that they did separate when he told me they did–it’s the fact that he let me believe they were legally divorced that is causing me issues.

I’m honestly not sure what to do at this point. Is this something I should confront him on or should I just walk away and never look back? •

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