He was Chinese, a man named Tian who grew up in Zhengzhou. When I thought about my burgeoning crush for Tian, I figured it was no different from that college semester when I studied in Spain. All the American girls I knew liked flirting with the local Spaniards, and why not? The experience of being in a foreign country and culture somehow liberated us from our usual American expectations for men and dating itself. We could try new things. We could even reinvent ourselves and what it meant to be in love with someone In search of explanations for why so few Western women date Chinese men, some China expats have suggested cultural differences are the primary reason. I agree that culture plays a role when you're a foreigner in China dating the locals.
It looks like there are a couple of things that need to be cleared out when it comes to dating Chinese men. Well, first of all, in Chinese dating culture, “dates” don’t always lead to something. Sure, Chinese people do date, even the traditional ones. Couples go to movies, have a nice dinner, or take walks together on a sunny day.
But things like let’s have a good night kiss when the date went well and set up a second one, are not guaranteed. In fact, guys are more likely to hold out a bit if they really like you for they definitely don’t want to screw everything up by their hastiness. And secondly, lust or love? He spends hours talking to you? That’s a good sign.
It’s seen as even a better sign than that he kisses you. Physical affection can well come out of lust, but company, care and respect are mostly out of love. Now that he hasn’t kissed you yet, I’m sorry to break it to ya, but it also means there won’t be any squeezing your bottom, along with many other things, or language that might contain sexual innuendo in a short time! So finally, it’s up to the women to pick up signals and drop new ones.
Given time, sooner or later, Chinese men will take action. There’s no doubt about that. It’s totally a misconcept that people’d think traditional Chinese men and women are like celibate and they never even kiss? Nooooooo. When you are deeply attracted to someone, you will have this irresistible craving to touch them, and to be just as close as to them. That’s biology.
(Or chemistry?) Anyway, how long it takes then is completely determined by you. Try giving out hints that you are fine and comfortable with him taking things a step further.
And more importantly, make sure he gets it! You know, men can be incredibly horrible at processing hints… It’s not easy to have a relationship when two people come from different cultures. (Speaking of which, when are relationships ever easy!) There are lots of cultural things to work on. But one more teeny tiny tip, which I’m sure you already know, though, is that it’s always good to talk things out, and it is applicable everywhere. This isn't just a Chinese thing. This is simply the pace at which he feels comfortable proceeding apparently.
In general good Chinese guys seem to be more reserved than their western counterparts. I have no idea how old you and he are but young Chinese people are typically discouraged from dating until college.
The focus until then is almost entirely on schoolwork. While working in a Chinese public school I have seen teachers contact students’ parents when they were suspicious the student might be dating. Although male and female students retain lu can be friends, it's hard to spend significant time with the other gender when you're constantly under suspicion of doing something deemed inappropriate.
While I was in China during college for a semester abroad I noticed how awkward some of our Chinese roommates were around the opposite gender. I asked my roommate about it and she said she had never had a boy as a friend before let alone a boyfriend. She just didn't know how to interact with them, western or Chinese.
Again many students do forge friendships and relationships with the opposite gender younger than college, but the situation I described is not uncommon. He may also not quite know how to proceed or what your expectations are. It is up to you how to deal with this as it seems you're upset by the lack of clarity. You can either allow things to move along naturally (however that is for you and him) or you can try and talk about it directly. In my experience that doesn't always work with Chinese people.
Sometimes I don't realize how direct I'm being and it makes the Chinese person uncomfortable and they tend to nervous laugh or smile when this happens and just avoid answering. This has been my general experience and observation in China. If yours varies from mine, cool no problem. Please don't leave nasty comments about how I “don't understand XYZ” because I'm a foreigner, k?
I'm Chinese man.just let you know that. Idk how fast you wish your relationship would go,for a traditional Chinese guy,if he is really into someone,it's typical of him not to kiss you after less than 10dates.we are conservative .its not only china thing,but Asian thing.
Sometime,you can be the one who take a forward step,give him hints that he is allowed to kiss. Plus, make sure the reason why he approached you is not that he wants to improve his oral English. Jk Its better that way; unless you want to corrupt him and turn him into a monster. You have seen enough of western person so passionate and soon no more integrity and dignity left. Its always better to have rooms for growth between the two; so much fantasy to explore together and bit by bit you learn about each other’s inner secret.
best dating a chinese american man enters one man leaves - What should I know about dating a Chinese man?
The internet has been abuzz of late with the news that there is ““. More and more foreign ladies tend to marry Chinese men in recent years.
According to statistics of oversea dating websites, Chinese men are in growing demand. They are received as honest, outgoing, responsible, caring, and respectful toward women. Some foreign women whom already married Chinese men also regarded the pairing as a life-changing opportunity. Reality or propaganda? Perhaps a splash of each in this very scientific “according to statistics” story. Is the propaganda arm in overdrive trying to avert disaster since it has, according to China’s own health authorities, one of the worst levels of gender imbalance in the world ().
The situation is reportedly so dire, that a professor from Zhejiang University suggested (article in Chinese). According to “by 2020, the National State Population and Family Planning Commission projects that males of marrying age will outnumber females by at least 30 million.” So China seems happy to encourage and promote Chinese men marrying foreign women, if for no reason other than to appease a growing tide of single men looking for a lifelong partner.
And in return, we “foreign women” get a “life-changing opportunity”? As a WWAM (Western woman with Asian man) who married a very awesome Chinese man, I agree it has been a “life-changing opportunity” for me, but not always in a good way.
In many countries the world over, providing you can prove a genuine marriage to your spouse is enough to grant you permission to live and work in their country. But not in China. As the spouse of a Chinese person, you get the right to live in that country on a “spouse” visa, with no allowance to work at all. Not even to help your own husband in his business. Nope. As foreign wives willing to live and work in China, often in our husband’s hometown – smaller towns or cities than the average foreigner would choose – we find jobs at companies that are not big enough to employ foreigners, or we don’t have the two years’ work experience required to apply for a Chinese working visa, or the company doesn’t want to hire us because the paperwork involved in hiring a foreigner is too much trouble.
China does have a permanent residence visa, or “green card” – but for humble WWAM ladies like ourselves, the requirements are almost impossible to meet (married minimum of 5 years, minimum 5 years’ residence in China with not more than 3 months outside China per year, some mention a financial requirement of 100,000 rmb in a Chinese bank etc). With a green card, we’d be able to work wherever we could find a job, since hiring us would be no more trouble than hiring a local person.
As a fellow WWAM says… I married a Chinese man from a poor countryside family. However, on a spouse visa I wasn’t allowed to work. My new husband also struggled to find a job after graduating from a good Chinese university. His friends with average grades were offered degree related jobs, however, the employers kept turning down his applications when they found out his wife was a foreigner. He was told: ‘your wife won’t want to live in this part of China where the position is located’; ‘you are too likely to leave China and move to your wife’s country’ etc.
Eventually we accepted that he needed a new career path and he started on a minimal wage of 2500RMB per month. With no option of financial help from his family and with extended family members to support, I obviously needed to work too.
On a spouse visa, this isn’t legal. I found a job and applied for a work permit. This was when I discovered that I needed 2 years of work experience to apply for the permit. I was faced with two choices: leave my husband and return home, separating us for at least 2 years while I built up my CV; or listen to the permit issue officer who took pity on me and kindly suggested I ‘edit’ my CV.
I have very much married into my husband’s family and have taken on board an enormous amount of Chinese culture. In China the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is infamous at being difficult to juggle, but it is one that mother-in-law and I have juggled rather well. A limiting spouse visa that doesn’t let me work or even pick up my train ticket at a kiosk* is a reminder that although I have married into China, I am still an outsider. The dream of owning a Green Card continues.
So where does that leave us? We, the foreign wives, daughters-in-law that stand up for China, tell our families and friends back home how great China is, proudly think of China as our home or second home, still have few rights in China at all really.
Of the foreign women married to Chinese men that I know, more and more are choosing to move to the woman’s home country or a third country, because of the visa issues they face in China. Until China can give foreign wives a green card, we may marry Chinese men, but we’ll probably take them home with us too. *UPDATE: This article has been changed to more accurately reflect the situation. A previous version read: “A limiting spouse visa which doesn’t let me…purchase my own train ticket…”.
We apologize for any confusion. Reading this made me think things over on my dating in China. I just think about other wwam couples and how that life sometimes isn’t easy. (I’ve been in one wwam relationship even though it wasn’t really considered one.) I just wonder how the western white men and Asian women couples are just living life better than wwam?
It’s just not fair. I don’t know if WMAFs (Western Male – Asian Female) really have it any better than us. They certainly face the same visa issues anyway. From what I saw in China, they also have a bit more trouble with discrimination in China – people there were not always so accepting of a Western man with a Chinese woman. Whereas I never encountered anything but praise and fascination as a WWAM / AMWF.
Is there another aspect you see as better for WMAFs? If you can find a job at a company that can issue a working visa to foreigners (not all can), the company needs to help you apply for a working visa / residence permit. Then it’s up to the employment bureau. These days, it’s getting a bit more difficult to apply for a working visa as a foreigner, not impossible, but a lot of paperwork and time and it’s always possible your application may be rejected. It’s understandable that they are only keen to issue working visas to qualified applicants, especially those that are doing a job a local person could not (just as it is in many countries).
It’s just tough that on the other hand, they are not making it any easier on genuine applicants such as spouses of Chinese citizens to live and work in China long-term. The Chinese gov’t needs to update their spousal visa allowances if they want don’t want divorce or exodus rates to increase! More and more Chinese are marrying foreigners, use some common sense and allow them to work on a spouse visa or make getting a green card a bit more realistic.
Who has some gov’t guanxi to speed this process along?
Cover of the first edition (Photo credit: Wikipedia) I have been informed by other bloggers and a good friend Jocelyn over at .com;that a woman gave her opinion of Chinese men after only one date with one man.
Now we all know you can not do a sample size of anything to form an opinion with only one sample. I was told by a Japanese Scientist and good friend that you need at least three in a sample size to make an informed decision about something… at least, preferably more than that, but at least three can give you an idea.
Now… I have been considered quite an expert on the subject of dating men and Chinese men, particularly. I have dated Chinese, Korean, Phillipino, Vietnamese, Japanese, Hawaiian, Cambodian and East Indian (India to be exact) … and I can honestly say I have the knowledge and experience to tell you about dating Asian men.
I have had very serious relationships with several Asian men that eventually led to the marriage to my current Chinese husband. Now before I get started I want to let everyone know that I am Black American and I am currently living in China.
That puts a whole new swing on it .. I know. Blows that rumor that they don’t date out of the water doesn’t it? So first of all….. for you ladies interested in dating Asian men or Chinese in particular; you need to know there is a big difference between ABC men () and FOB Chinese ( ) …..
I didn’t make up these names they are created by the Chinese folks themselves. ABC’s are born in American, they are American. They think like you, they dress like you, they have the same stereotypes as you.
They know what you know and they speak like you speak….. some don’t even know how to speak Chinese. So if you want to date them… it is like dating any other man in America… some are asses and some are awesome.
Some like very thin women .. some like larger women… some like white girls… (a lot of them do) and some like women of other nationalities. They have been jaded by the media… and but they still have a little . They still respect their parents and listen to them and they still like women that are devoted to them and will make good wives that will give them children and take care of the house.
FOB’s are very traditional in the fact that they date to marry, they are not aware of a lot of the stereotypes and they do not know American culture very well. Their English may be limited sometimes… and they tend to be pretty shy when it comes to women. They are not very aggressive for the most part. They are open to some new things but prefer to stick with what they know. As for women, they are pretty open to different women as long as the woman likes them, but they are pretty shy so you may not know if they even are interested in you.
Because of this shyness they tend to stick with Chinese girls.. because they don’t really know that foreign girls are even interested in them. They are very strong on tradition of taking care of family and parents. They usually prefer their women to not go out a lot to the bars, and to stay home and keep a good house for them while they bring home the money for the family. If you find a man who is currently living in China…he might be more shy that an FOB and even more traditional when it comes to wife and family.
Chinese men and I think Asian men in general tend to be very family oriented and usually date to marry. They are taught to be the providers of the family so they will work themselves into the grave to make sure their family is financially secure. They prefer to be the higher wage earner and are big about “face” they would never want a woman to make them look bad in public. This makes them feel like they cant handle their woman and they are not a real man.
Because of their devotion to being providers they may be lacking in emotional connections or they may not be as romantic as you want them to be. But trust in their hearts you are the love of their lives….
even if he forgets to get you flowers on Valentines Day or doesn’t plan romantic dinners. Chinese men love children for the most part…. they usually feel they are obligated to have children to carry on the family name. But those things are changing with the younger generation.
Most Chinese men want to marry by age 30 or so, as oppose to the women that must marry before 30 or no man will want them. (that is a long story and another blog) A normal date with a Chinese man in China that is…. would be dinner and maybe go to a teahouse after so you can talk, then take a walk or drive. Usually there is no kissing, and definitely no sex on a first date. If things go well… he will call you and ask you out again and then you are most likely considered a couple.
He is on the marriage path as most Asian men are…. so if you are not willing to get married or you are just playing around…. Chinese men are not for you…..
All the Chinese men…. ABC, FOB or still in China… are looking for marriage… so it will be in the for front of their minds. Don’t let it scare you .. you have been warned…..If they take you to meet their parents… it means they are very serious about you and you are close to the proposal stage. Parents approval is very important to Chinese men. It can make or break your relationship. If the parents like you …. you should start hearing wedding bells soon… if they don’t… well… there are about a million single Chinese men around the world looking for wives.
Personally, I like the traditional thinking…I like the fact that a man wants to provide for me and take care of me. I like the fact that he is thinking about the future and not just about a one night stand. Personally…. I like a man who treats me like a woman. I think that is the biggest difference between all Asian men and non-Asian men… they still treat women like women….
like they are the weaker sex… like they need to be taken care of ….and cherished. Maybe they havent caught on to the women’s equal rights thing… or maybe they just don’t care… but they really are the head of the family and decision makers… but they still respect their women’s’ thoughts and ideals.
I guess that being said.. if you are a feminist Asian men are not for you. If you don’t like to be taken care of … Asian men are not for you….. and if you don’t like to have a man pay for your dinner and buy you things…. Asian men are not for you.
If you like to just do things for yourself… Asian men are not for you. So to sum it all up….. Chinese men and Asian men in general are traditional, family men. That is not for every woman….. but for me… it is refreshing and stable and welcoming. until next time…. Related articles • (lifebehindthewall.wordpress.com) • (en.rocketnews24.com) • (chinawatch.washingtonpost.com) • (robertlindsay.wordpress.com) • (ibnlive.in.com) • (qz.com) • (firstpost.com) Wow, way to generalize a whole race.
I am a really hardcore feminist who would absolutely hate being a stay-at-home mom or have a guy tell her what to do. I have also only dated Asian guys (I am white) , some even born outside of the US, who were A-ok with this and maybe even had a fetish for strong women. You just have to find ones who can think for themselves and are bored by some of the servile women in their home country. I am quite amazed. Someone mentioned shanghai girls being spoiled.
Same goes for taiwan. Both think they’re upscale. I simply avoid their cocky behavior. Not hard.. considering they speak mandarin which is a turn off for me. I strongly disagree with the men sheltering women part.
We want strong independent women, even better if they lead the relationship. Expect yourself to be contributing to the cleaning, cooking, etc. LOL Who the heck told you it would be easy? The children must go to the BEST Universities and typically that’s what AsianMothers want.
We don’t care if you have an attitude cause most Chinese wives will nag the men. Chinese men work, wives take the money to buy what they think the household need. And why do we put up with it? Cause if we don’t, you’re going to tell on us. Shame us in front of our own parents. Typically Chinese parents treasury their sons and want them to do the right thing.
Chinese parents will be greatly upset if their son doesn’t take proper care of his children and wife. They work hard all their entire life for their children, and if they find out their son is an irresponsible jerk. They’ll start questioning. So in this case.
If a black woman want a Chinese guy. Be nice to him and his parents. Once the marriage is over. Your chinese hubby is your bag carrying servant for the rest of your life. This is creepy. You ladies are already exchanging very closely accurate information. Given the stereotypes of Hispanicmen leaving their family for another women. Given the stereotypes that blackmen leaving because they cannot financially support. I am more incline to be confident in the recommending of Chinese-Korean-Japanese men for women.
East Asian guys will not force any religion or crap onto you like an angry redneckwhitie forcing you to vote conservative or an islamic middle eastern that wants you all covered up. love your nlogs Jo but as like you Im also African American woman married to a chinese man. Mine is a abc whose parents/came from China(Guang Dong) 60 years ago. My husband is 51 and let ne tell yah….he loves children.
And if it were up to him we would have 5 by now(have 2@the moment_2 & 4),I know he loves me but sometimes im in doubt cause like you say..they don’t really show it. Besides that.guuurl he is lazy as f###,he really surprised me after we had our first he just got awful with his work ethics and I swear im raising a grown arse man. So one thing for sure..I don’t know what happen to him growing up but not all asian are the same lmao.
He may be the only one cause I Nevrr meet an asian man like him lol. Hi! I know that this post has more than a year, but I think you can help me (I really need help!) I´m an argentinian girl who met a chinese boy (in Argentina). It´s been already 5 weekends that we´ve been seeing each other. We started going to the cinema, then having dinner, then having dinner at his house, and then having dinner and watching movies at his house. Because he´s here for work, he leaves alone.
The thing is… he never said anything about liking me or ever show any trace of interest…I mean, like holding hands or try to hug me or kiss. I know that our cultures are really different, but when you like somebody, you somehow, let them know, right? As a girl, I´m not used to making the first move, but I´ve read some blogs stating the opposite.. what should I do? I really like him!
(but I don´t know if he likes me back) I don´t want him to feel unconfortable by making the first move.. Or make him feel that I got the wrong message… 😦 Can you help me, please? firstly, I’m not a girl i’m a fully grown woman. Second point:that piece was written about one date but I had detailed many dates in my blog if you bothered to read.
The opinion was formed after 4 years of dates whilst living in China. Third point: not everyone is looking for the same thing. We don’t all want/need a man to take care of us.
Don’t assume. And don’t attack someone you don’t even know anything about. Did you grow up in mainland China? shut up if you didn’t. Chinese guys have the reputation of being disrespectful and bossy to Chinese women. It is the history and it is the truth. I moved to the stateside 6 years ago, and I have dated 3 Chinese guys before I married a white guy. They both abused me and slapped me in the face for the reason that I was talking “shit”.
Now, what are you gonna say? I actually would love to be taken care of by a man. I am not a feminist my friends in the states think that I am old fashioned. I am marriage minded. Heck I want to get married an impregnated within 6 months. I Asian men believe in a woman staying staying home with the children at least until child is school age. In fact men here think I am too antiquated in my beliefs. ABC never really found me attractive. I need help Jo you should write a the art of picking up Asian men as a blog topic.
In fact there was this very cute Asian guy sitting behind me at church today. Then I got to shake his hand when we did sharing of the peace. His name was Ben but I was so clueless what to
Cinematic: “Old Soldier”